Borderline Personality Disorder…

I have borderline personality disorder.  I have tried many times to destroy myself through various means, but more time trying to save myself from this world of raw emotion… I have no protective shield to fight off feelings, rejection, shame, guilt, anxiety, depression, worries, criticism, confusion, helplessness, hopelessness, need I go on??  That is me, overflowing with emotion, and on Thursday, Feb 4th I was drowned in emotion.  Along with BPD comes an obsessive fear of being abandoned, of being alone.  I am in sheer terror of losing people that I love and will go to any effort to stop it.  Yet, this constant need to make sure people love me and will stick by me is what has caused me to lose most of them, thus ending up in a pain that is indescribable and unimaginable to all of you who dont suffer from BPD.  Why? Why am I so afraid?  I have no self, I have no identity, I dont know who Maria is, thus I can’t love her, only through other peole can I define myself, give myself an identity, when they leave, the pieces fall apart, the mask wears away and I’m left trying to pick her up again, but I have no idea how to put her back together.  Also,  I cling to others in hope they can save me from myself, from the loneliness I feel in my body, in my blood, in my soul, they are a distraction.  Around others I can feel normal, I can forget for awhile who I am, when I am alone I am alone with the relentless thoughts that want to suffocate me… And when I am left I am rejected, another horrible event to occur to a BPD.  I have been rejected so many times even as a child, that the new rejection brings up pain and memories from the old rejections.  The rejections are my fault, I am bad, no one can love me, I don’t deserve friends, I am “Untouchable.”  Which brings me back to February 4th.  A good friend of mine had left for California, not sure of whether or not he was returning.  Adam was a guy I loved dearly, saw him alomst every weekend, he was my safety from the outside world.  He’d sleep with me innocently and hug me, I could stay in that bed for days, just feeling another person next to me, caring for me… He couldn’t.  Another person in my life was moving on…and I was still stuck in the same world I had been in forever, a prisoner awaiting my walk to execution, when the pain would finally end.  I was shattered.  So for the next month Adam stopped calling me. Though we were just friends I felt like I had nothing left to keep me going, even nothing left to keep me alive…  I called him several times a day.  Normally, he began to get angry, started hanging up on me, ignored my phone calls,  said I was suffocating him, which I’m sure I was… but it wasn’t me who was doing all of this, it was the child inside of me afraid of the darkness, afraid of being alone, afraid of not being loved, accepted…  The more he ran, the more I ran after him, please don’t leave me, I can’t bear to be left alone.  February 4th, I have no recollection of what caused it, I have no recollection of texting him back and forth (it’s what I was told), I remember one thing, waking up in a hospital bed, my mother, exhausted, yet strangely numb to the whole situation (she had been through this so many times before), her eyes staring at me, those sea-green eyes filled which the first time this had happened had been filled with panic, tears , now they were filled with quiet desperation, staring at the daughter she had raised, in hopes of a different future I’m sure.  I stared back for a coule of seconds, but quickly turned away in shame… I swore I’d never put her through this again…


3 Responses

  1. Wow, it’s amazing how I can relate to your story! We’re definitely not alone 🙂

    • Hi,
      Thanks for the comment. A friend of mine is trying to comment but it says its awaiting moderation what does that mean?
      Thanks for your help

  2. wow us correct very informative !

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