Strung Out…

My screening for a research study involving those who have BPD was beginning on Tuesday, they had told me I could not be on Xanax.  By this point I was taking 4-5 xanax a day 10 years.  I stopped.  Took my last one and didn’t refill my prescription.  Knowing full well ths was dangerous, I never listened to warnings before, so why start now.  What happened next– Monday was indescribable but I will do my best for those for you who have never experienced withdrawl… I awoke in a jolt of frenzy,  my heart was pounding through my chest, I was in my room, I knew that but I looked around and couldn’t make out shapes, colors, objects, they seemed to be floating, I seemed to be floating… I was there in body but my mind was absent in the past, thoughts from childhood  resurfaced, faces, dissapointed looks, memories flooded my brain, watching my brother make a snowman outside while I hid and wished I would be asked, my mother singing, my mother crying, my Grandfathers funeral, kids picking on me at school, my brother not talking to me anymore, my dad’s stories of his dreams unfulfilled, my mother’s hands that had once been so vibrant and active always cooking, always cleaning, now laying still on her stomach as she hypnotized herself with the TV,  all the pets I had lost, I hadn’t done enough to save them, all the failed relationships, the failed potential that I’d had, my failed life, this and more flashed like scenes from a movie preview in my brain, it was uncontrollable and everything had been my fault.  I had ruined my life,  I had runied my mother’s life, I had ruined my father’s life, no wonder everyone “hated” me… Suddenly, I felt tingling in my chest and arms, the tingling, the thoughts,the guilt, the hatred, the flashing lights in front of my eyes,my body began twitching, my heart was now jumping in my chest.  I looked at my dog.  He seemed not real, he seemed to be floating, cut in half.  I thought if I went to pet him I could put my hands right through him.  I tried to get up off my bed, but when I put my feet on the floor it was as if putting my feet on a cloud, I was floating.  My father’s footseps down the hall sounded like an elephant had entered my house, sounds were unbearable, I turned on the TV to relax, but the colors, the voices  made it worse, my brain was in overdrive and the TV compunded it.  I threw myself back in my bed, slid in my cocoon as I’d always done when life got too unbearable, and lay there.  I closed my eyes hoping to sleep this away, I could feel my eyeballs rolling back and forth.  Finally, the guilt, the anxiety culminated into uncontrollable sobbing.  I threw my arms around myself, holding on, wondering how I’d survived  so long like this. Had it always been this way.  I couldn’t remember yesterday or the day before or the day before that… I didn’t realize what was happening was severe withdrawl from xanax, that had shielded me from these monsters for 10 years…  I lay there weeping like a child who’d lost her mommy for hours, wishing somehow this pain would be taken from me…  I looked out the window, darkness had stolen the light, I managed to get up, walk or more like glide downstairs, I looked in the mirror and had no idea who was looking back.  I could make out my outline, my eyes were sunken, puffy, my hair looked like straw, I touched it, where had it gone?  It felt so dry, so thin… broken like me…  there were two of me in the mirror, I looked so old and wrinkled and hideous…  I couldn’t let my mother notice there was anything wrong, she couldn’t handle anymore pain.  Opening the refrigerator took all my strength, I grabbed anything, since I couldn’t focus on the words, and drank.  I turned and looked at my mother in her usual spot, laying on the couch, hands folded on her stomach, the tingling came back, the heart began racing again, it was coming back and I knew what had set me off… a woman whose life was unfulfilled, a woman whose life I did nothing but devastate, a woman who dreamt of a normal family lay in her own unhappiness and I had done nothing to fix it, instead I had made it worse.  This time floating or not I ran upstairs and the explosion of tears began again… there was no stopping it, I was sure it would be like that forever, but I hung on, drowning in the waves, unable to swim, I hung on….


    2 Responses

    1. *hugs*

      That sounds SO scary. I am so glad you made it through to tell the tale. How are you today, tonight? I hope you are past this. *hugs* *hugs* *hugs*

      • Thank you, I have made it through, I am making it through and I hope for a better future…, BTW your website is a great idea:)

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