Do you want to know the truth?  I am tired, not  just tired– I feel like someone has taken a syringe and drawn every ounce of blood out of my body.  Why?  I have been fighting an invisible enemy for most of my life and it threatens to destroy me every chance it gets. How?  Pain.  I am not in physical pain,  I have a pain in my soul.  It is wounded and I cannot fix it.  I cannot get stitches to mend it, I cannot put a bandaid on it, I cannot take a pill to make it better.  It is much more complicated than that.  This pain is always with me, sometimes it is hiding deep inside and at other times it comes out attacking me, until I can do nothing but sit in a corner and pray to God to take it away, I don’t mean just pray, I get on my hands and knees and BEG to be rid of this entity, for it is threantening to replace all of me.  Where does the pain come from?  For me, it is a combination of things.  I am completely alone, invisible to the world.  I walk the earth alone.  I am a soldier fighting an army of enemies alone.  I am being ambushed, there is no backup to call.  Also, when I say alone,  I am unrecognizable even to my SELF… I do not know me, I have a fragile identity, I have no SELF therefore I can’t love me, so how can anyone else love me or how can I in turn love them?  The pain is also the pain of the inner child, emotionally abandoned, invalidated, extrememly sensitive, picked on, made fun of and I have not learned to let that go.  I don’t sit and think of the past, but the subconcious has a way of reacting to present events, such as abandonment in the same way that inner child reacted, pain…  I have not raised my white flag to surrender to it, I have not given up, but truth… I am terrified of living with this forever, never finding my SELF, being comfortable alone, not knowing how to give the child inside the love she needed, the love she needs.  Tonight, I sit in this Pain, and know that I do have some courage, some hope, for if I didn’t I would’ve allowed it to strangle me a long time ago…..


One Response

  1. I once felt like that.

    Slowly but surely, I am starting to discover who I am.

    I have hope again.

    I’m learning what “loving yourself” means.

    It’s been so long since I’ve felt this before, I’ve had to go through a LOT of failures… I’m always picking myself up…

    Hold on to that little spark of hope that you do have. You’re right… You’re obviously strong, or you would have given up long ago.

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