Forgive Me Father…

I have a confession to make.  Boy, as a child I would go to confession and be blank… I wanted desperately to tell the priest behind the curtain ( for I never dared to go face to face in fear he would see this monster), how BAD I was, how EVIL, how I caused my parents so much pain.  But I’d freeze, unable to tell him.  So, now I’m telling you my confessions.  There are two parts to me, the child who believes truly believes she is BAD and must be destroyed, a mistake, an error in human evolution.  I have never committed a crime, I have never purposefully hurt anyone, only me, yet this CHILD is convinced she is guilty as charged and should be punished.  The other part knows she is a good person and deserves hppiness, but this is not a fairy tale, sometimes things don’t end happily ever after, do they?  Last night I was talking to a friend, I call him a friend though we’ve never met, yet we are the same person, same suffering, same confusion, same despair.  I was pleading with him to find the “right” help, and listening to his stories which were horrifying to say the least.  I knew he was the same wounded child I was and I think I understood him better than I have ever understood anyone.  I talked about possibilities and the future and forgetting the past, letting go and nurturing the little boy inside of him that was so terrified.  I meant every word, I truly believe he can recover and live in the peace he yearns for.  But today, I confess… I can’t see the possibilities, I can’t see living without the pain that torments me for it is so entrenched in my soul.  The dualities in me are in constant conflict.  I used to dance, how I loved to dance, to feel free in the movement and feel the rhythym in my veins.  I used to run, and still push myself to go but that too has become so painful, for I run alone, I am ALONE.  I used to talk to people… they thought I was funny and witty, and well it fell apart, for now I’ve become a recluse.  Confession: I am afraid of you.  I am afraid you will hurt me.  I know you are not bad people, but I am AFRAID to talk to you.  In the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner, the Mariner feels extreme guilt for shooting down the albatross, and will tell his tale to anyone who listens.  He wears that albatross aroud his neck to signify his guilt.  My albatross has become too heavy to carry alone and no one wants to hear my tale anymore.  So, when the world turns it’s back on you, what do you do?  Do you turn your back on it?  Watch as others live and you merely survive?  Logically, the adult knows she can carry on and win this fight, but the child’s fear, guilt, anxiety, sadness, grief, loss, shame won’t allow her to dance, to run or to talk to you, because eventually you will hurt her…I prayed for that man last night to find peace and love that he deserves, but I didn’t pray for myself, instead I numbed the pain inside.  My condition is not good, all who have said those words “I love you.”, who have for a brief moment in time cared about me are gone and the child continues to cry… so forgive me Father for I have sinned… My sin?  Wasting the life I was given…


2 Responses

  1. Exellet another one ! Keep them
    coming perhaps an e-book ?

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