Let It Be…


This is a continuation of my recent blogs about the research study I am involved in; just to clarify, at the time I was  going through severe Xanax withdrawl…

Let It Be…

Day three of withdrawl and the symptoms were worse… I got up and managed to get to the car for more poking and prodding to try to figure out how someone with BPD thinks, what could help them, blah, blah, blah… By this point I hated everyone on staff, by this point I wanted to say go fuck yourself and your study, I don’t need it, everything will be fine, but I didn’t and I wasn’t.  My father told me innocently to remember to get my car inspected, SHAME, ANGER… “Daddy please let me take care of it myself.”  SHAME. “It’s ok ,your mother forgets too…” GUILT. Why did I say that?  Why didn’t I say, “Ok daddy, thank you..?  As usual, it took me about 20 minutes to find my car.  Anxiety. I got in my car and the thoughts took control. Failure, you’re a failure, wrong shoes, wrong dress, wrong hair, memories resurfaced, trying to drown me…  All the men I’d slept with, being laughed at, hiding as a child from the world, not speaking, pills, Daddy with his suitcase coming from Italy in search of a better life, Daddy still working as a slave at almost 70, Daddy reading his newspaper, writing letters to the editor to feel important, Daddy never taking a vacation, Daddy unfulfilled, Daddy and Mommy sleeping in separate beds, Daddy giving me a kiss every day as a child in exchange for a dollar, curling up with Daddy when I was too afraid to go to school, Daddy complaining about how tired and old he’d become, my fault Daddy, all my fault; then came thoughts about Mommy…making me english muffins every morning and ignoring her, cleaning compulsively, crying, screaming, hitting, crying, blaming, crying, lonely, beaten down by life, beaten down by uncontrollable emotion, eyes staring at me in hospital bed after hospital bed… my fault Mommy, my fault…failure, failure, no husband, no children, no friends, debt, mistake after mistake  all the pets I had, how I could’ve treated them better, the bus into adulthood I had missed, the dissapointed looks from my mother, father… my head was a circus of thoughts…shame, failure, guilt…anxiety, fear, TERROR.  I’d be alone forever.  I felt like someone had shot a hole into my chest, I was empty, my soul was bleeding…confusion, anxiety, guilt anger, fear, TERROR…. on and on and on and on… silence, the silence was unbearable.  I began singing to calm myself down… Let It Be, but I changed the words for Fia Marie, a girl I had not even met yet… Fia Marie when you are in trouble, Mother Mary will come to you, speaking words of wisdom Let It be.. And in your life of darkness she is standing right in front of you, Let It be… Let It Be, Let It Be, Let It Be, Let It Be, They will find an answer, Let It Be… Sobbing, Singing, Sobbing… I felt I was going MAD… Was this it?  Had I finally reached the point of no return?  The car next to me stared at me, by this point I didn’t care, I didn’t compose myself, I just sobbed and sang, hoping Mother Mary was going to come and save me…

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3 Responses

  1. i like this post it seems real ! keep’em coming

  2. After reading this, I just wished I could give you a big hug and tell you things will be fine. If I weren’t a guy, I’d probably cry. Don’t worry babe, things will get better eventually – it just takes time.

  3. *hugs*

    I have felt that way so many times. I just want to give you lots of hugs and take all of the pain away.

    Keep writing. Let it all out.

    xoxo

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