Envy…


I have run marathons, 13 miles, 26 miles, 37 miles… I’m not going to say they weren’t hard, but I always knew I’d make it to the finish line…  Whenever I ran, there wasn’t a sense of fierce competition.  There were slow runners, there were the middle runners, and of course there were the elite runners who the average mortal could never even try to catch up to.  I didn’t really mind the time I made, I didn’t really mind what place I came in, because I knew that it wasn’t the whole world running this marathon, just us recreational runners.  I’d usually finish somehwere in between, many came in after me, many came in before me.  Today, everyone is so far up ahead, I can’t even see them anymore.  They are so close to the finish line and I have just begun, no I haven’t even begun yet, I’m lacing up my sneakers, trying to get the will to begin.  I watch today as others move forward through life, becoming more successful, moving, getting married, having children, even just plain taking care of themselves is a feat I haven’t mastered and I have to say I have envy.  Yes, I am not embarassed to admit it, I am jealous of you.  I am jealous when I see you smile, when I see a group of friends getting ready for a night out, a man and woman holding hands, even a mom pushing her baby in the stroller…I am jealous.  I may never have what you have, I may never accomplish more than just surviving, so can you blame me?   This is not a plea for pity, it is the reality I feel every day.  How many friends I have watched accomplish the things I wanted to do but couldn’t,  how many people I see every day enjoying life as I sit paralyzed by my fear, by my pain.   Not everyone, but many of you have fond memories that can help you even through the dark times, I can’t remember any of those.  I remember only pain, which is not to say that I haven’t had joyous times in my life, but they don’t soothe me, they don’t give me strength.  I have dreams, like all of you, and I am in a race to fulfill those dreams before it’s too late…  I want to be called Mommy, I want to live in a peaceful place, I want people to love me and to love back, I want to actually enjoy my job, heck, I’d be happier even just waking up without so much pain…  While all of you enjoy your trophies at the finish line, I am lacing up my sneakers and I pray that there will b e a trophy left for me…

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6 Responses

  1. awesome article ! keep them coming !

  2. This is beautiful. It’s a sad truth that so many of us actually feel. I don’t think I could’ve found words that described this feeling so clearly. You’re not alone with your pain. You’re beautiful, remember that.

  3. Dearest,

    I think all of us feel that way and it doesn’t help that there are so few who’ve shown how the marathon can be accomplished.

    But from all I see and know, you have your feet on the ground and are moving.

    And ultimately it’s not a race but a slow and incremental deepening, becoming more of who you are and effectively sharing that with the world. And you’re doing that right now here in such a moving way.

    Thank you. I am filled with envy too. I have to keep reminding myself that everyone suffers, maybe not like i do, but i’ve seen too many people “live the dream” while being silently miserable to now believe that there is a perfect life.

    xxxook

  4. Fia,

    You’re not the only one that that feels this way. Ultimately it doesn’t matter if you win the race – what really matters is that you finish the race! And it sounds to me like you can.

  5. WOW– once again you bring tears to my eyes… this is so powerful, so touching, and so true; not just for you, but I feel as if you have written my story in those words. Thank you for continuing to share your stories, they touch me more than I can say xx

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