Email From a Fan– Please Read & Leave Feedback

Dear Lauren –

Currently, I’m not okay with totally coming out with my diagnosis. I’m totally insecure of being judged. I’ve told a lot of people, yet I live in a small town where I know I will be judged. Yet that leaves me paranoid about what they say or think. That’s already happening with my friends. They steer clear of me and I feel rejected.

I am feeling so alone right now because the realization of how I have been raised – to abuse myself and my friends leaves me feeling terribly alone. I have this problem of back stabbing everyone because I’m sure they are going to hurt or judge me. i assume they are going to do it, because I do myself. AND I do it all the time. I don’t want to. I have such a deep vulnerability to being rejected and invalidated that I just….fall apart. I am triggered by a lot of things and I have a hard time getting it together to realize that what people think  of me isn’t important. EXCEPT that my identity is totally wrapped up in what others think of me. I have really been trying to change that – by not doing the same things that I did before. When I talk about it with my Mom – with whom I’ve had a terrible relationship with since I was 14. That’s when it started – BPD. The makings of it were all under the age of 14 yet it kicked in when my Mom started to deal with her mental illness – yet she did it in secret. She got post partum depression and it was  nightmare. I had to be there for my parents emotionally and they were NEVER there for me.

I was taught to hate my mom by my aunt and grandmother. They used to tell me she was a nerd and a bad mother. She was never around. In fact, I don’t remember that much of hanging out with my Mom, because she had me when she was really young and went back to school AND went directly into University. I can’t stand it. All of my family is critical of EVERYONE. They put on a FAKE front and act like oh yeah, you’re great…then as soon as someone leaves the toxic waste comes out. I’ve done this with my friends forever. I’m not even sure how people are friends with me cuz I’m really seeing now how bad it gets. I want everyone on my side. Except because I want them on my side by manipulating them into trying to make them believe that ‘everyone’ who has crossed me is BAD.

Then, my Mom moves closer to help out with Lily, daughter – except I HATE her. She’s a total pain in the ass. She is so dysfunctional and ACTS like she is SO HEALTHY yet…when I have a problem with a friend, she just tells me to ditch them. She’s done this her whole life. Can you imagine having a Mom tell you all the time to ditch your friends? Plus having primary care giving people telling you that your Mom sucks?

I’ve discussed this with my Mom and we talk about when I was younger – AND she, in the end, WASN’T there for me. AND, she’s in total denial about what happened. She’d say Oh, I didn’t know that you were exposed to this, that…or that they said this about me…” So the whole reason the rest of the family was judging her was true. She was stuck with her head in a book studying my whole life. OR chasing my step father OR having his children. THat’s what she’s still doing her head stuck in a book. AND tells me my friends are toxic. UH she treats me like I’m fucked up which doesn’t help – it makes me feel worthless – I”m tired of feeling worthless around my mom.

I have no one I can talk to about this. Just you guys. I feel so alone right now. It’s so old and it still upsets me so much. I hate myself because I am like my mother. I don’t want to hate myself, I don’t want to be anything like her- which is why I self sabotage in so many ways.

I’m tired of hating myself and not being able to control what I say about people or how vulnerable I feel or how rejected I feel. I just am so tired of working so hard and the cycle spins. I’m getting better yet I still feel horrible. You know? I feel like giving up. Running away. I don’t feel strong enough cuz I”m thinking about everything at once.

I’m so tired. Tired of not sleeping. Tired of telling my mom over and over that her behaviour sucks towards me. Tired of hating myself for being like her.

Thanks for listening and being out there. I don’t have anyone else I can write to about this that will understand.

Actually – I have no problem if you post this on your blog because I want to know if anyone else has experienced this kind of upbringing??

I want a discussion about it so I can hear other people’s feedback. It would really help.



14 Responses

  1. Did you say you manipulate those sround you to turn them against others?

    • Keep in mind that this is just one person, and not everyone has the same behaviors.

    • Yes, although not on purpose – it is some sort of BACKWARDS coping mechanism that deals with rejection and abandonement. I’m seeing it all too clearly and I find it very scary when I have these realizations. So, I’m expressing it. I’ve never considered myself to be manipulative, yet…Now it makes sense. It’s not the conscious person I am when in wise mind, it’s the one when i’m wounded and feel out of control and the NEED for control. Like I said, backwards behaviour.
      Does that makes sense? thanks for asking. The layers of denial are lifting and I’m scared to see the darkness because that’s the not the person I aspire to be.

  2. I understand that not everyone does that lauren, but the other day, at least a couple, said it wasn’t the case with BPD.- I say that respectfully. 🙂 that is what happens in a fixation

    • It’s not the case with the majority of the people that I know who have BPD, but right, that doesn’t mean that some people don’t manipulate others (whether they have BPD or not). I think the point we were trying to make the other day is that people shouldn’t say that manipulation is something that everyone with BPD does.

  3. Fair enough. But fixations are very destructive to the fixated hence MY PTSD. Maybe the common ground here is misery and pain breeds the same.and that is soo not something anyone wants to be part of. We are just flip sides of the coin. And yes I am keeping in mind not everybody does it. But that I am not crazy and it does exist.

    • What do you mean by a fixation? This would clear up my understanding of what you two are talking about.

  4. It sounds like you have a lot of complicated mixed feelings, and thought particularly about your family. This is common with BPD. I can relate to your difficult relationship with your mum since age 14. With BPD we have black/White thinking and split our views of others into Good or bad (splitting)… it sounds like over the years others views of your mum and what they have told you about her have contributed to your splitting with her and confusion about her in general. The same with other relationships you have.
    People are never perfect… as BPD sufferers we sometimes expect them to be! and when they fall sort of our views of perfection, we can often lable them in our minds as “no good” or “bad” without even realising it. One technique to help oercome this is to write down thoughts and feeling about a person (say your mom for example) and try to list and consider all sides, and all views to get balance to our unbalanced perspectives.
    Difficulty in viewing others and relating to others is a huge huge part of BPD… its something that we must learn to accept about our condition and work with/at. But first we have to accept ourselves. : ) …. this is most important…. do not hate yourself for your feelings or behaviours…. hate the feelings, hate the behaviours… but never hate YOURSELF for having/doing them… you can only try your best. you must first learn to love and accept yourself, and expect ill judgements, confused thoughts, conflicting ideas and emotions… these are all symptoms of BPD. but in time.. you can make sense of things, and o your experiences in life, and you can learn to move forward.
    Whatever your family history, you are not alone, you are never alone, there are many of us on here, we all have our family confusions and dramas and hurts… and we all have our stories to tell. Never feel alone xxx
    Confiding in friends is difficult, many will be concerned or confused about how to take it… but its a part of accepting that your symptoms have a reason behind them. This brings a sense of freedom from self guilt/self blame at times. We all need friends to support us, some will be able to do this, others will not… but we must open up to people in order to gain that support.

    • I have and what you say is true. I’ll have to learn to start hating the feelings rather than the person. I’m ashamed of Mom. I’ve been embarrassed about her for years. I realized something – i would totally complain and say negative things about my daughter’s Father and people would say that my daughter would integrate that as me telling her she’s bad. That’s the brain washing I’ve experienced because of my experience.
      This is lifetime of being told that my Mom is bad, a nerd, was never there. I can tell you that I’m being different in a lot of ways towards my child, yet…the torture I feel inside is sometimes too much. My own mother, even though she’s trying can’t even be there for me in an appropriate manner. She treats me like I’m sick. GREAT! I have told her and I resent it. I want to be part of a NORMAL family. She’s just so frustrating to deal with! In fact, I’m happier when she’s not around. I find it is a burden with her around.
      I don’t like feeling that way, yet she IS CONSTANTLY NEEDY for my attention. I can’t give it to her. I’ve done that for years and get nothing in return. Well not what I want or need. She just gives me an abundance of INANIMANT objects that I keep SAYING NO to and I get depressed cuz she doesn’t listen. The message is ‘she knows what’s best for me’ without asking. I’m in my mid thirties. I know a few things about what’s best for me.
      Anyway, it’s like someone gave me this sickness, this reversed crap – I know that my aunt, my mom and my grandmother are ALL BPD AND in total denial.
      I want to barf cuz I’m the one doing the work.
      I’ve confided in them and there is just such a great divide. IT’s the same thing. Either, my friend would rather stay in the negative chaos that i am trying to avoid, OR they just run away altogether. I know it’s their own hang up. Beyond that, its very isolating. When I try to explain, well there is just avoidance and rejection.
      I don’t act on my frustrations, yet there is only so much I can take.
      So, I keep it pretty low demands.
      I’ve found that I can be there for people in their scariest or deepest moments of challenge, yet no one can do the same for me.
      I don’t expect it, yet I have needs to. I find people that cannot deal with the darkness must be truly afraid of their own.
      I’m going to stop writing now, because…I have to keep reading replies.

      THANK YOU SO MUCH your wisdom is exactly what I needed to hear. IT’s guiding me to accept the feelings, without hating myself. Yet it’s going to feel very uncomfortable.

    • Hello to you all,
      Hello, Cleg;

      I am portuguese, so i apologize in advance for any spelling mistakes that i may make here. But i wanted so much to ask you something, after reading what you’ve wrote. The author of this post could be myself; i experience the same exact words that are written. I experience the same pain, tiredeness and lack of hope (because the cycle ends up repeating itself no matter how hard i try) that are described. and yet your words seem to be so full of that hope that i, myself, can never hold for too long.

      I have a terapist (she’s with me for 3 years now) and i realise that she could be seen as saint, because her patience with me has to be huge. She told me today that she’s so sick and tired (but she won’t abandon me). And i am so tired of making the people i care feeling like that. She tells me that she only tells me that because she knows that if she doesn’t say it i won’t be aware of that. And it’s true. I used to be agressive without knowning. How is this possible? I am so ashamed, i feel like a monster. and a monster i am, indeed. she (my terapist) gives me beautiful things like hope, and i chew and destroy them. Of course that she’s tired of giving so much and watching me doing this. But i don’t know how to do this. How to not destroy. I can’t keep anything inside. No matter how hard I try. How can I not hate myself if i do this to good people, to people who invest in me, who give parts of themselves to me? I am just a hungry monster with an unsatiable hunger.

      And yet you speak about light. And yet you tell us that changing is possible. Even if I am with this terapist for almost 3 years and i know that she’s more than qualified (not only intelectually but also emotionally) that any of the other terapists that i’ve been with. I seem to be stuch in the same place, always. And whenever some bit of hope seems to show up, i destroy it without even knowing.

      Thank you for writing. Thank to you all.

  5. I am not sure how much help this will be but I have one thing to say. What matters most is what you think of yourself.

    • Thank you Michelle. I’m working on it. I had to reach out in my darkest of moments for help, cuz I cannot phone someone at 4am in the morning to explain what you are all helping me with. This means so much to me. INVALUABLE. I feel like I’m mining for my own diamonds and you are all helping me to find out my truth.

  6. Thanks for sharing your story, it must have been very hard, and you explained everything so well.

    I’m feelin alone also as far as this new group of people I find myself with the past few days, and not sure what to say to anyone.?

    Sometimes when our own situations make us completely wrapped up in our own problems, a good therapy is to reach out to others and help them, and concentrate on others, which sometimes helps us take our minds off of ourselves and our own problems…

    It’s just taking life one day at a time for all of us, no matter our problems, we all are strugling uphill in someway, and you’re not as alone as you may feel you are…

    Take care…

    • Thank you. I just want to feel fulfilled, not depleted. When I’m feeling depleted, well that just doesn’t serve a purpose. I derive a great sense of pleasure from helping others. AND, I have…I just don’t like I want to die inside whilst I’m doing it. My vulnerability to make sure I make a difference is HUGE.
      Working on it. I’m feeling way better now than I have a year ago. I’m looking to review myself in another year 🙂

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