Dear Mom,


I know how hard your life was…I know how much you suffered. I know the anger was really pain, how you were desperately trying to tell everyone what you were feeling inside, that no one could understand.  I understand.  I understand how much you endured leaving your family in Italy to come here ALONE, in pain because you were so afraid of the world.  I know how you sat on that park bench with two small children and cried every day when we moved here, until that old man asked you what was wrong.  Finally, you had found another family to take you in and treat you like a daughter.  I can only imagine leaving your country, your mother, your brothers, your sisters, in search of a better life here for us.  I can only imagine being alone, speaking no English, your husband leaving you to work for so long… the stress I saw, the tears I saw, the pain in your sea-green eyes I saw.  I am sorry for you Mommy, that you never got to go live back where you wanted.  How many times you took  us to Italy looking at houses so you could be closer to your family, only for us to say, “NO Mommy, we won’t move.”  If I could go back in time, we’d be there where you felt safe, where you smiled, where you were at peace with those you loved around you.  How hard you worked, my dear mother.  At 5am every morning for 30 years, a seamstress, creating with your hands, beauty…I see those hands, now gnarled from years of working.  It wasn’t always bad, was it Mommy?  I remember your songs as you hung up the wash to dry, sometimes in despair, I go back and hear them, wrap myself in your voice singing, happy.  I heard those songs as I played outside, I FELT those songs as I played outside.  I remember, Mommy, how you never smiled in pictures, trying to, but I could never capture anything but an attempt to disguise the pain.  I remember, Mommy, when we had to go to a party, how you became so anxious, so fearful, and I UNDERSTAND why it turned into anger.  You were afraid of being around all those people and feeling so alone.  I remember, Mommy, you never dancing at the parties, how I longed for you to dance, to be free in your body and your mind.  The tears, Mommy, I remember the tears, you crying at your “failed” life.  You didn’t fail, you survived, my dear mother, you survived…and I am so proud of you for that.  It’s ok Mommy, I forgive you for everything, I adore you for everything you tried to do and still try to do every day for me, praying to Jesus that your daughter will be well and happy, as I pray for you that you will be well and happy.  How I long to see you smile once before we leave this planet, how I long to see you dance once before we leave this planet, and how I long to feel your hug and kiss once before we leave this planet.  I love you, dear mother, I love you with all your faults and all your anger and all your sadness. I will never abandon you as so many friends did.  You are a strong woman, you are not “crazy” as people used to infer, you are loving and kind and GOOD underneath it all.  I see it, Mommy, I see the real mother I had.  Finally, Mommy I also ask for forgiveness.  I cannot be sorry for being the child,  I was unable to understand and help you, but I am sorry for these years.  I am sorry for making such terrible choices. I am sorry for putting you through more depair, but most of all I am sorry for holding onto the anger towards you.  I’m setting us free Mommy , noone is to blame…. I used to wish for a different mother, now I only wish for you to have a different life.  Don’t cry, Mommy, Fia will never go to the hospital again, you will never see an ambulance outside my house again. One day, Mommy, peace will be ours..

With Love,

Fia

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10 Responses

  1. I wish I were able to write a forgiveness letter like this one to my own mother too…

  2. This is beautiful. Thank you! I can’t find the words for the feeling this gave me. I hope to be able to forgive my mama some day, fully forgive, without those little shreds of hidden hurt and anger still hanging on. And also, I hope to forgive myself.

  3. this is very touching ! keep up the good work ! you are not alone 🙂

  4. I LOVE THIS PIECE! Thank you for writing this. All the love and warmth and emotion you feel for your mother came through so clearly. Thank you for sharing such a very personal story. And, how wonderful for you to find forgiveness for your mother. It is truly the greatest gift that we can give our parents – to accept that they gave us the best they knew to give and what they have given was enough because it shaped who we are today. Well written!

  5. Beautiful, Fia. Thank you for sharing it.

  6. I just read this again, and phew. Wow. So deep. I’m just learning about blog etiquette – would you mind if I linked to this post in a post I am writing?

  7. […] Disorders, Psychology, Relationship, Writing | Leave a Comment  A few days ago, I read a post by Fia Marie at On The Borderline Blog in which she forgives her mother.  In this letter of […]

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