Guilt…


If you have followed my blogs, you may know that I have a fascination and even envy of birds.  As a child, I could not keep birds caged up;  we once got one and I had to make it fly around the house.  I could not bear to see it sitting there day after day not using what it was given to fly free.  It broke my heart.  Of course, I have never had another bird, excpet for one time…I found a pigeon, he had a semi-broken wing, I’m really not sure what was wrong but I knew he wouldn’t survive outside just yet.  I took him home, put him in my bathroom, placed newspaper everywhere (veterinarian would not treat him) and watched him.  Day after day he seemed to get stronger until finally one day I knew it was time to set him free, and that is exaclty what I did.  He flew.  He was healed. There is a point to this, I promise.  I love flyng.  I love soaring to a new destination and discovering it, and if I ever come back in another life I would like to be a bird…I think this came from my childhood…  As a child, we would travel to Italy every summer, even to this day, my family and I, sometimes I alone, etc.  A coping mechanism for me later on became traveling alone.  It also became an addiction which put me in severe debt, but I needed to escape, and found that flying to a new land gave me freedom.  I have been to over 60 cities in 7 different countries, and each time it was an impulsive trip.  I would book sometimes two days before a vacation from work, knowing I’d be alone here with my thoughts and must abandon them.  For some reason, traveling even alone I have never felt alone, I have never felt anything but euphoric.  Today, I sit at the airport on another sponataneous trip, one I cannot really afford, but money had never meant anything to me anyway, but there is a different feeling GUILT. Right now the albatross is heavy around my neck and I must tell my story, I must confess the sin I feel guilty about.  You see, as I am about to embark on another journey where I will undoubtedly forget…. my mother who I have recently forgiven, and come to understand is sitting in her home watching TV and I am guilty for having the nerve to once again escape when she hasn’t.  Before I forgave her I felt anger, therefore didn’t care what she did while I was on vacation.  Right now, the tree is being strangled by vines of GUILT…. How dare you go enjoy yourelf while your mother has lived such a hard life, how dare you frolic on the beach while your mother lies asleep all day, how dare you live while your mother is dying.  You may see this as ENMESHMENT, I see it as me finally realizing that my mother is human, has the same needs, wants, desires as any other human, including me. Is it my responsibility to create a life for her?  No.  But can I help to create a life for her?  Yes.  And that is why right now as I am on my way to sunshine, ocean, nature, dancing, I am sad and guilty, I am not doing enough to help her join the world again to go towards the sunlight instead of the darkness she is in…am I justified in these feelings? I believe so. Will they control me? No.  But I will think of her and what I can contribute to her life to make it a life worth living…

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5 Responses

  1. Well, that all sounds healthy. Guilt can lead to places of really healthy choices. Thanks for sharing. I find my mom completely annoying. She puts on this happy, blah blah social face. AND she’s really clingy. I don’t know how to handle her, except to be as cold as ice, cuz…she is really wanting to have everyone’s attention.
    It drives me nuts. I see her, and I HATE her. I don’t mean to. I feel revulsed. Resentful. Ashamed. Annoyed. I dont want to be, yet I have to listen to the voice and the energy inside that is telling me that something is wrong. It feels like she is taking my energy and using it for herself. Augh…anywhoo – this is about you. Its going to take me years to not hate her.
    You deserve as anyone does, to live the life you want to I think it’s great to give back to your mom. That sounds very wholistc!
    RIght on. Keep it up. YOu’re doin’ it!!!!!!!

    • I can only say I USED to HATE my mother, I don’t know which is easier hating or guilt, but right now on vacation, I am not thinking so much of her, but do know that when I go back I must do something to make her life more pleasant. I do not owe it to her, but my heart now breaks for her and to ease my own conscience it is time to give spread some sunshine into her life:)

  2. I am so impressed that you’ve come to this place where you have forgiven your mother and are now genuinely concerned for her well-being… It takes quite a level of maturity to find a balance where you’re not beating yourself up with guilt but at the same time you recognize your capability to maybe brighten her life a little. You are such a great example to many.

  3. I think we all want to give our parents wonderful things. Try not to be too hard on yourself, though. It’s GOOD for you to get away and do the things you want to do. I think that just by visiting her and rekindling your relationship, you are giving her something.

    I was telling my mom about how Mike and I are planning a vacation to Florida, and for a moment I had a twinge of guilt that I wasn’t taking her. Then I remembered that I have the right to do something for me, that I don’t always have to do for everyone else. Try to remember that you have that right, too!

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