May 23rd, 2007

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007

9:00 am, high school library

I had a sudden urge to write, but I’m not sure what to write about. I just know that I have a lot of different emotions inside of me right now, and they’re screaming to get out before I explode. Last night, C and I had a conversation about this. We really are very similar, but no one knows it because no one knows who we really are and how we really feel. We both experience the same emotions and feelings of hopelessness, anger, hate, confusion…everything. We both know how it feels to be alone, even when other people are around; we feel alone because we feel like we don’t fit in with the people around us. That’s probably why things didn’t work out between us—because we’re so alike in certain ways. But he hurts himself, and I don’t. He says that it helps get rid of the emotional pain. I have thought about it, but I’ve never been able to bring myself to actually hurt myself, which can actually be really frustrating. I want these bad feelings to go away, but I’m also so used to them and somewhat comforted by them that I want to continue feeling like this. I feel like I deserve it. People think that I’m a happy person who has a lot of friends, is pretty, talented, blah blah blah. I’m not. I’m not happy. I don’t have a lot of friends, I don’t really have any, none that will listen and support me. If I tell them how I feel, it will just scare them away, and I already pushed too many friends away last year during my depression; I don’t want to do that again. And I’m not pretty—I don’t know why people say that I am, because there are a million people out there who are better looking than I am—or talented. I feel like I’m constantly deceiving people. Would they still be friends with me if they knew the real Lauren? Probably not. So I can really only keep on doing what I’ve been doing, and act like nothing’s wrong. For psychology I have to write a story/diary entry/something about someone who has borderline personality disorder, but this is all becoming so real to me that I’m afraid to. I’m pretty sure that I have it, and C definitely does. Sometimes I feel badly for him, that he thinks that he deserves to feel this way, but I know what it feels like, so I can’t really tell him that his feelings are wrong, because I feel the same way about myself. I do feel bad for us, of our emotional pain that we can only try to escape from, by screaming and hitting and throwing and cutting. We shouldn’t have to feel this way, but we do, and there’s nothing that we can do about it, except be there for each other. It’s nice to know that there is someone else who is going through the same things that I am. At least I’m not alone in that sense.

People don’t understand us. Well, people like our parents, who get a glimpse of our emotions and anger. There’s no way that they could understand, unless they’d been through this too, and they haven’t. It’s just so hard to control my emotions. Sometimes I just need to be alone so I can scream and cry and nobody will hear me. But that never happens, because there is always someone at my house. I almost always have this feeling in my chest, a pressure, of emotion that just builds and builds until it can’t build anymore, and that’s when it get taken out on people around me, usually my family, very rarely my friends. Right now I just want to scream and let it all out. I need to destroy something. Sometimes when I’m in a really bad mood I’ll drive into Concord and sing at the top of my lungs on the way there and back until my throat is sore and my voice is almost gone. And even then, I keep going. It almost feels nice to ruin my voice like that; it’s a form of self-punishment. For what, I’m not sure, it’s just something that I feel like I have to do. Sometimes I feel like everybody else would be better off if I was dead. It’s not like I’m doing anything good for anyone else’s life anyway; they don’t need me. No one would even notice that I was gone. It sounds kind of sad, but who cares? Nobody. They’d all be better off without me.


5 Responses

  1. Ah, Lauren. I hear your pain and I can relate, but I want you to know that what you’re doing makes a huge difference. (Sorry, lacking in the words thing tonight. But you really do make a huge difference.)

  2. Wow, I feel like I could’ve written that just a few months ago…

  3. Especially… ” I almost always have this feeling in my chest, a pressure, of emotion that just builds and builds until it can’t build anymore, and that’s when it get taken out on people around me, usually my family, very rarely my friends.”

    It’s incredible, I keep reading posts from people who feel EXACTLY what I’ve felt before, have thought the same thoughts, wished the same things… It’s almost kind of scary! But comforting too…

  4. Man, do I know how that feels.

    But you know what? Plenty of people would realize you were gone; take a look at all of the people who have come together because of On the Borderline.

    You are amazing, you are beautiful, you are talented, and you are so much more than just your feelings. Don’t let them consume you.

    I’m here for you. ❤

  5. You are not the drama. You are the eternal being that watched the drama, quiet and peaceful.

    If emotions come up which torments you, is it a sign that you are not focused on what you want. If your attention is align to what you like, it feels good !

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