Paradise…


As I have been on vacation for the last two weeks, I have not written, yet today I feel the need to rid myself of the turmoil inside since I have gotten back.  I am desperate.  I am suffocating.  I am  being strangled by an invisible force that won’t let go.   Why now?   I travel constantly and each time, I find happiness, peace, serenity, FRIENDS.  From the moment I am up in the air to the second I say goodbye to my newfound friends, I am euphoric.  My days away by the ocean, or in a new city, where no one knows me, where at first I am all alone, are spent without the DEMONS that haunt me every waking moment in my home.  I can walk the beach alone, I can eat in a restraunt alone and feel completely FREE.  My enviornment is slowly KILLING me.  On this last vacation I quickly made friends with people who didn’t care about my money, or my fancy car or fancy clothes, or the materialistic things that bind me here.  I talked with strangers and felt like I knew them a lifetime, I danced with strangers and felt connections that escape me here.  I lay by the ocean, my body and soul free from the BLACK SPIDER that chases me here every waking moment…  The second I boarded the plane back to New York, the pain was so great, I wanted to flee back to the safety of the friends I had made, back to enjoying LIFE.  Today, the pain has worsened because I am aware that LIFE can be BEAUTIFUL and that there are people who think like me, to enjoy every second…which in New York seems impossible.   Today, I am a caged animal labeled as BORDERLINE.  On vacation I was me, fun, outgoing, kind, cheerful, tranquil.  The stressors in my life here are overwhelming, to say the least.  I am a walking robot, as the millions of walking robots I see in my city.  In telling my adventures on vacation, others comments were INVALIDATING to say the least, “YOU’RE CRAZY…”   Am I?  Am I the one who is crazy because I don’t fit your description of normal society standards?  Am I the one who is crazy because I know there is more to life than living to work?  Am I the one who is “CRAZY” because I don’t act like you?  Am I the one who is crazy because I love people, human connection, instead of sitting here throwing my thoughts out into cyberspace?  Is it me?    No judgement calls here, however your judgements are destroying me (and by “your,” I am refering to society).  Frankly, I am exhausted of the label, I am exhausted of the judgement calls, I am exhausted of society’s rules and norms…I am human, looking for REAL LIFE, LOVE, PEACE…so then I ask who exactly is the “crazy” one?   I have no regrets of my behavior during my time away from this “WORLD.”  Judge me if you wish, but I am merely a girl looking for a paradise…

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12 Responses

  1. You’re NOT crazy! 🙂 I feel exactly the same way you do about traveling…I have never been able to explain to my family and freinds why I love traveling and being away from home so much and for so long…OMG, you perfectly described my very own feelings! So you’re definitely not alone. And IF you are crazy…well, then that makes 2 of us! BTW, you’re not just throwing this out into “cyberspace”, there’s actual people with emotions like yours reading this that feel just like you, can understand you and relate to you! 🙂

    • Glad I’m not alone. No offense about the cyberspace comment, however wouldn’t it be nice if we could actually sit and talk person to person?

  2. Ohmigosh, I feel the same way! I live in New York, and it feels like a prison. My family lives all over, my friends moved away, and I’m stuck here finishing school. My fiance and I want to move out of here so badly, but so far the only job offer I have is here. I </3 NY.

  3. Sounds like it would be beneficial to move. Start fresh,give up the material things. You just might end up very rich indeed. To be honest, EVERYONE seeks real life, love and peace that is not unique. Question is are you willing to make the trade off? :o)

    • I have made it already… I have been there, spent tons of money etc… and am so angry at myself for ruining my chances of getting out because of debt. Today, I spend my money on on thing, jst escaping out of here… It would be very beneficial to move, my debt ties me….

  4. As I read your post and the replies that followed, all I could think about were the multitude of conversations I’ve had with people over the years about the same thing.
    “I’m not happy where I am.”
    “I hate what I do.”
    “I’ve got to get out of here.”
    I can’t recall the name of the guy but I saw his presentation on Ted.com and he inspired me a great deal – I had already made a big change in my life (second career change at 50 years of age, taking on debt for loan, diagnosis of BP and BPD, lots of other crap all at one time) but his theme played over and over that gave me peace….
    “Do what you love and if you’re not doing that, cut that shit out”
    If you aren’t where you are at peace, go where you are.
    No excuses. Or shut up about it.
    If you aren’t doing what you love and you are unhappy,
    shut up.
    Do what you love.

  5. Kelly Ray, amen!!!! Life is chok full of choices. You can CHOOSE whatever you want. Just depends on your priorities, determination.I would rather be poor and happy. What is the worst a financial institution can do? They HAVE to allow you to feed and house yourself- the rest is gravy (they DO like the gravy). To choose to stay in misery just isn’t logical. On my deathbed will I remember all the bills I paid off, I don’t think so, I want to think I would say I did the best I could to accomplish the goals God set for me. Did I give what I had to give to make others lives better? There are more questions I would ask and NONE of them have anything to do with money, or position, or what kind of car,or size of my house, or office, or closet.
    My mom used to say to me “Shit or get off the pot!” :o)

  6. Kelly Ray is right. Just remember, you’re problems will follow where ever you go. I hear the need for simplicity and perhaps more normal choices in material consumption. I am in the same boat. I have no job except part time casual a house a mortgage and the chance to take a risk to become a full time artist. I’m going for it. Yes, the line of credit and my stress level will take a hit, yet I’m going to do what I love.

    Be Aware of your pedestal thinking, fia marie – that is what I hear really clearly beyond all of this. Thinking that the paradise is outside of you is going to drive you mad. Remember, you bring that back with you as sacred energy. Find a way to create that. The demons will haunt us every day. Read this book it will help. The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. I’ve only read the first two sections, yet relate his description of resistance to what we have in our brains – it ends up being fear. Unrealisitic (sometimes) and Exaggerated Emotion. I chalk that up to fear. We can win the game against our own brains. WE CAN ALL DO IT. Are you in therapy? Are doing any DBT? Get on it. DO it. Train the brain. I am and I’m on the path. I quit last spring and the recommendations that my group gave me made me run. Now, a year later, I’m doing what the group told me to do ALL BY MYSELF. My whole being needed that time to adjust. I feel better and stronger. Your strength is there – seek it, Embrace it. the fact that you work towards your travels is strength. Take one small step towards what is going to assist you in making the changes you want to make. The honest changes – the middle of the road honest changes. Everything else will fall into place.
    Bless you and your honesty.

    • I thank and appreciate all your comments and advice, I try everyday to apply to jobs I would like in an enviornment I would like… problem is my stupidity led me to put my debt in my parents names, a debt which if not paid off could end in their house being taken away, so this is my dilemma, however, I don’t just sit and whine I am actively trying to pursue a relocation etc…. Thank You again for the encouragement…

    • I am in DBT, but I am tired of all of this….not to say I’m giving up just racing against the clock…..

  7. wow, i just wrote a similar blog last night – questioning normalcy and craziness. i’m right with you there.

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