Like most children before bed I would say a prayer to God, as a small child it would always be the same… “Bless Mommy, Bless Daddy, Bless Mike, Bless Louise and Bless Me.”   Simple huh?  As I got older and life became incresingly difficult, chaos ensued in my home, outside of my home etc…. my prayers began to become pleas.  “Dear God, please make Mommy happy, please make mommy love me, please make the kids stop making fun of me, please make me stop crying, please help me….”   Well, at age 13, I remember the night clearly when basically I told God to go fuck Himself.  My prayers were ignored, therefore I stopped.  I have not prayed since.  At about age 30, I had come out of the hospital, a walking zombie on Seroquel.  It was a crisp, winter’s day.  A blanket of snow lay on the ground and I wanted to run as I had always done daily.  I laced up my sneakers, dizzy and blurry eyed, I was determined to run….  I made it half a block.  My body was in slow motion and in my drug induced state it was impossible.  From a distance I heard church bells ringing.  Frustrated, hopeless, helpless, I managed to get to the rectory of the church, needing desperately to speak to someone, to give God another chance.  I knocked on the door.  A young girl answered and looked at me curiously.  “I need help”, I said.  “I need to talk to someone.”  She let me in.  “Please can you find me a priet who can speak to me, my life is in danger.”  She left the room for what seemed hours.  “I’m sorry, they are all at dinner.” she told me.  My heart sank.  Here I was ready to give myself to God again and they were too busy to talk to me.   So, I walked out.  Outside was a priest.  “Father, can I speak to you for a moment?”  Again… REJECTION… “I’m sorry, I’m on my way out with friends.”  He got in his fancy car and drove away and I stumbled home in tears that even a messenger of God REJECTED me.  And so, again, I have never thought of religion or God in anyway one chooses to believe until tonight.   And tonight I pray….  And I AM going to ask for something…

Dear God,

Release me and all those who suffer from the chains that bind them.   Wrap us in your love when we are shivering from the fear within.  Give us the strength to fight this battle and recognize how strong we are to have survived for so long.  We deserve happiness God, we deserve to be FREE, we deserve to laugh, to love, to live.  You have chosen us to carry this burden and we accept it, knowing that one day You will lift it from our hearts.  Tonight, I and many others need You to comfort us in our despair, to wipe our tears and nurture us as our Father… Yes, we have sinned, yes we are sorry for our sins and ask for Your forgiveness.  Our hearts are heavy God, we ask You to continue to give us the strength to move forward, to fulfill the destiny You have planned for us.  Do not abandon us God, and we promise not to abandon YOU again… We have dreams that need to be carried out, we have children that need us to be happy and free. We ask only to guide us, let us see the light that shines so brightly in your HEAVENS… We are your children, your sheep that have strayed.  Find us again God, and bring us back to your safety….



6 Responses

  1. I’m so sorry that you went to a church where no one there would take the time to help you. Remember that God loves us no matter what, He never abandons us, even though it seems that way sometimes (been there many times myself) . God made us the way we are for a reason even though we don’t know why. Your prayer touched my heart because I feel the same way.

  2. I’ll never forget the feeling of being totally rejected by God. I screamed at Him at the top of my lungs asking, “what else is that you want.” I couldn’t do anything more. I didn’t have more to give. I felt utter and complete shame for everything in my life. I was emotionally bankrupt. In the Scriptures, God says, “See! I will not forget you. I have you carved in the palm of my hand.” Isaiah 49:15. Don’t stop telling yourself this. He loves you. I know He does. He loves me, just as I am. The cross is the proof.

  3. dear Fi,

    i LOVE you. what an amazing prayer!! it made me realize that we ARE strong to bear this cross. i am soooo glad you are a part of my life ❤
    God Bless you sweetest gurl,
    luv, Jiinxsay

  4. This is such a touching story…and so similar to a path I have walked myself in the past. I had become so disilusioned with the religion of humans. At one point I too walked into a churc to ask for help. The pastor walked by as I sat in the pew crying softly…and kept walking.

    But – in spite of this I am able to now separate people who have walked past me and a being that is larger than me and call out to the universe and be heard.

    This is my first comment here – and I wanted to thank you for sharing your story.


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