Pain….


What do you want?  You have taken over, and I’m not sure why.  You are   debilitating, you are growing and growing, like a weed blocking the sunshine of the flower near it and slowly moving into it’s space, later strangling it.   You are bringing me to my knees, begging  GOD to remove you from me.   You are affecting not only me but everyone around me and I cannot stop thinking that perhaps, it would be better to give you what you want and to surrender to you. You are winning.  I cannot eat, I cannot move, I cannot stop thinking about everything I am missing , everything I have missed because of you,    everything I am capable of doing and cannot because you refuse to let me out of your clutches.  Is this making you happy?  Is it making you feel victorious over my soul.  Fia is still here, but you have become greater than my essence.  I don’t know how much longer I can fight you.   You show me only darkness, you show me only despair, you have taken everyone I love away from me.  I am tired of you.  I am tired of having you inside me, and I would like you to leave.  How long can you keep this up?  How long can you try to destroy me?    You are a vulture preying upon a living being.  I am not dead yet, yet you continue to gnaw at me, continue to eat me alive piece by piece.  I want you to know what you have done to me.  You have taken away my chances of love, and family.  You have pushed away people in my life that I love ,tried to understand you, but how could they, you are an enigma that even I cannot comprehend.  You have taken a capable human and turned her into a child, curling up each day in a fetal position, desperately trying to push you away for a moment of relief, a moment where I can breathe.  You have made me seem “Crazy”, but you know that I   am not, you are trying to fool others in thinking that you are truly insanity.  But I know you.  I know what you really are, you are merely a hole , a wound in my soul trying to get bigger until there is no more me left.  Yes, today you are winning, yes there have been many days when you have won.  I will not resist you, I know that you want a battle, I wont give it to you.   I accept you,  I will let you try to swallow me whole, but one day my friend, you will be gone, one day you will be gone and this flower will have her sunshine….

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5 Responses

  1. You have captured the essence of the way I have felt many a day. It is horrible to feel this way. Worse to be able to feel this way and not be able to describe it. You have done many a justice for you have described the torture that we feel, yet most of us cant understand enough to articulate.

    I have learned just to ignore the gnawing sensation I feel most of the time. I have learned to live with the whole I have. Sometimes it gets the better of me and I feel that I am being eaten alive from the inside out. When will it ever just heal, mend, and the whole disappear?

  2. “when it is raining, we think there is no sunshine. But, if we fly high in an airplane and go through the clouds, we rediscover the sunshine again. We see that sunshine is always there” – thich nhat hanh from his book “Anger”. A great read, Fia.

    Hang in there… The sun is always shining.

    Suffering never ends for humans. The trick is to find a way to mindfully accept and embrace both the suffering and happiness. There is purpose to your pain. It is developing a higher level of compassion and understanding in you.

    Sharing your experience is an amazing gift that you use to help others feel less alone. Thank you for this. You are not alone.

    You are loved.
    Big brave beautiful woman, you!

  3. having one of those days today, actually it had been growing in me for the last few days. It has exhausted me so I was unable to attend uni yesterday and I’m nearly at the point of no return with continuing at uni anyway. I have managed to seek refuge in sleep, sleep and more sleep, sleeping my life away. My cravings for escape through drugs and alcohol are constant. For the last six months I have been drug and alcohol free, which is the longest period of abstinence I have had since starting at 13. I have tried every trick in the book to stop these feelings build and destroy me and I feel some how responsible for not being able to beat it. I have a meeting with my psychologist in a few hours and it’s going to be a battle to get there. I’m so bloody tired and feel helpless and hopeless.

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