I was feeling a bit better today, walked in determined not to let anything bring me down.  Unfortunately,  a colleague informed me of certain rumors being spread about me.  As she mouthed the words, I could feel my heart shatter, my protective shield against the hurt break apart. Her words pierced me, and I felt like a knife had slit me open for all to see my insides.  There is a no win situation in the place I work.  When I socialize and am myself, the rumors are I’m too eccentric, too over the top.  Knowing this, I began to isolate myself from these vultures, that donot realize how words can damage me,  have damaged me.  I am not accepted.  My personality is not accepted, I am INVALID according to these people and invalidation is someething I can no longer accept.  As I realize, that gossip comes from a person’s own insecurities, own misery, I do not feel sorry for them anymore as I have in the past.  I am not a cookie cutter Barbie doll, living in this world according to their standards.  I do not think like them, they do not think like me.  I accepted them for many years, however as the rumors started to fly around the school, I could not even comprehend how a human could be so harmful to another human.  I talk about noone.  I dont care what you are wearing, I dont care what car you drive, I dont care how you do your job, if you do your job, I dont care if you’re not always smiling, I dont care how thin you are, how fat you are, how much you eat, how much you dont eat, how much you smoke.  I dont care.  Why do you take so much interest in my life?  I have come to some conclusioins.  I am in a toxic enviornment that only pulls me further into the darkness, and I must get out of this environement.  I have also realized that my illness has not made me a “better” person than others, however I am empathetic towards everyone and cannot stand to hear the bashing of others or myself.   Perhaps, they are bored, curoious as to the nature of my behavior, have issues within themselves that cause them to spread negativity around, but honestly it doesnt matter to me anymore, why, what matters to me is to be where I am accpeted as yes, eccentric, over the top, sometimes sad, sometimes happy, trusting, open and honest.  These qualities have gotten me into trouble here, but I know there’s a place where I can connect with others, my goal is to find it.. my job is to find it and live as me, not what others expect me to be….


5 Responses

  1. Keep rising, FiaMarie – Keep rising. That person who told you that is trying to keep you down. It’s high school and immature. I dealt with that last week. I got called a ‘Book store Nazi’ by two people – one a mentally ill yet affluent lawyer who doesnt even live in our town full time and takes on people ‘fix it’ projects instead of dealing with her own shit. The other, is a recovering alcoholic who is unhappy in his world. I have had run ins in the past with these people – negative experiences, yet in my job I have transcended this and they still are out to bite me. What can I do? Well – I can rise above it. I checked in with the person who told me that in the first place and told them that I would never tell her something like that. I’m a sensitive person and as much as I faked like I was okay with it, I was clear that I wasn’t and it really hurt my feelings.
    The person who told you in the first place, is doing something opposite of what is helpful. Perhaps they find it funny and want some entertainment. Perhaps they do want to hurt you. Yes, it hurts. Yet, you can do this. I am totally paranoid now and am getting less shifts at my work because I said something. Yet…what can I do?
    Rise above – keep going. Opposite to emotion action. I ran from my job this winter because of the toxicity. It’s everywhere, I’m told. I’m unsure of how I can conduct myself without giving into the complete vulnerability.
    Yet – this is about the illusion that THOSE PEOPLE create YOUR IDENTITY. THEY DONT. THEY WONT. They won’t be around in fifty years. I have to tell myself this all the time.
    YOu just work with them. Yes, being accepted is very high on our lists. I get that. Our jobs make up a large part of our identities in Western Culture. Yet you are more than the sum of your parts. As I write this, I am telling this to myself.

    Thanks for sharing. Keep going. Check in with that person. Try telling them that telling you the gossip was not something you want to hear again. They obviously are not really someone to be trusted in the way you need them to. It’s going to be okay.

    I always want to run away and be accepted. There is no utopia on this earth except perhaps in a monastery – that’s not off my list either.
    People are oblivious and mean. Sometimes intentionally and sometimes not. Humans can be beasts and can be angles. That’s the balance of dark and light. I choose to follow the light and accept the darkness.
    Bless you for sharing.

  2. You have made the first step to finding that place. You have accepted yourself as you are. Now others have no other choice but to accept you as well.

    I congratulate you for your efforts, and your strength, because it takes more strength than most people know to be able to face a situation like that and not try to adapt and convert into what people want you to be, rather than what you are. Stand proud, stand tall, and most of all stand different, for if we were all the same, life would be boring and dull. Its the ones of us that are different (for whatever reason) that make life interesting. And give those who are more dull something to talk about.

  3. Well, I’m sure MOST of us with BPD have been there and totally understand how you feel and we feel very much the same. I personally have had a very successful career, until I got “diagnosed”. Then, as you mention in your other post today, that once you get “diagnosed” you look at your life’s past in a totally new light. Everything that went haywire in the past, now there is a kind of “explanation” for it all. Now, when something happens we can see our “illness” and the involvement it has in our daily lives.

    Work is not a “user friendly” environment. People especially WOMEN co-workers are BRUTAL!!! It IS THEIR OWN INSECURITIES! They are jealous, and they may not understand or like you. Your attitude is RIGHT, you shouldn’t care about what they say. But WE DO CARE, when someone “abandons” us. Not being accepted by others is Abandonment! The last 8 jobs I’ve had, I have not been “liked” personally. I did a GREAT job, but I guess I just don’t do well with kissing peoples asses! I have so many good qualities, yet people JUDGE us and don’t even know us. It doesn’t help when we explain our issues with them, it just makes us “less desirable”.

    Time to look for another job, and not just a job. Time to take some online career finder tests and find a job that is what we LOVE to do and the BEST CASE, would be to work for ourselves. BPD’s are generally very creative, empathetic, intelligent, diligent and loyal. We also like to HELP OTHERS, even though we often can’t help ourselves.

    Keep your head up, look to the future and NEVER GIVE UP!

  4. I don’t care who they are, where they are or what they do for a living. i am a Korean Veteran. I had just gotten out of the army and was doing my first year Clinical Internship at Trenton State Prison I had a fake harris tweed jacket and a cheap maroon blazer 1 tie and a couple of cheap slacks The inmates had a prison newspaper and I became their gossip target, Hey “cohen is looking cool today” ” real sharp dreser” Love” his Maroon blazer” They were lifetime criminals, Killers, all types of psychopaths. At first I laughed, b ut they got to me, and would not let go. I felt horrible because I did not have nice clothes. or a decent car. No matter who rhey were and who I was. It really upset me. I was poor. I had yhe expense of traveling back to NYC every other night. I was a graduate student at
    columbia University. I was going on the GI Bill, The Governmant was paying for my education, but I was still poor. They tortured me, in their newspaper and out in the ” big Yard” This was more than 50 years ago and the crazy gossit still bothers me if I think about
    Fia Marie U just made me remember it.. I They were in for life, but I felt like the loser. I was so proud to wear the uniform of my country, and served with pride , only to be bothered by these dirtbags

  5. Fia,

    Honestly, these coworkers probably have no idea how much they are hurting you. People gossip because they are bored, and they are bored because they have nothing worthwhile to say, and meaningful to contemplate. I think people who are like this are not spiritual or philosophical, so they fill the void with stuff like gossip, be it with celebrities, people around town, or coworkers. I realize that what is said about you is only intensified through the filter of your illness, and into your mind, where the volume of the echos only increase in volume, rather than fade, like it would in your coworkers. With that in mind, you just need to remember……. those fake people aren’t even worth a second thought. Make it a mantra, or something.

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