Alone…


No more phone calls, people are too busy wrapped up in their lives to go out and spend some time with me.  No more friends.  I think that”s what saved me all these years, having a social network of people who distracted me from my pain.  I am alone, and Ithink this is the worst feeling I suffer from.  This is what causes all my sadness, anxiety, grief.  My DBT therapist told me to change things, start joining groups, and I have tried.  I danced for many years in different classes, different schools, and I would see those people there for that hour, after that they got back to their own lives.  There was a time when I would go from the gym to running, to dance, yet the people I have met were I guess the kind of people I attract, those with problems, or those who had their won clique already and didnt need anyone else to join.  Even at work, for whatever reason, the law of attraction, I can only talk to a woman similar to me who is tired of everything this city has to offer and thinks that moving will change her life.  This is what I have stuck in my head, and as you know as I have stated several times, each time I go somehwere miraculoulsy I have people calling me ,accepting my friendship,  even men interested in me.  This does not happen in my enviornment.  I have called and asked several times for these “phone buddies” to go out,  becasue I am a person who loves to socialize.  On occasion one has appeased me.  And I am free.  I am happy, out in the world.  As she says, “Fia when you go out , the world is yours….”  Unfortunately, the world has slipped away from me becasue there is noone left to ask.  Maybe,  if I move to another place, I will have friends, life will be different, and yes I am afraid it wont be.  Of course it is not the world’s fault I have no friends.  I attach myself quickly to people, lost when they are gone, ALONE again, a burden I cannot bear.  So, in this two weeks of a major depressive disorder, this was my trigger.  I was away again as you know, and away I was ME, and had friends, strangers who easily became my freinds.  I came home to noone, and the feeling of loneliness is one I want to escape from again.  I know the suggestions are going to be join a club, do an actiivity… I have done it, maybe not everything there is to do, and maybe I am making excuses, maybe, but I don’t even know how to start again and how not to be alone…..

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11 Responses

  1. You won’t get any ‘go out and meet someone’ advice from me……. I was somewhat like you when I was younger….

    The thing I learned from experience is this… You can’t solve the problems you’re facing in this situation by just putting a band-aid on the cut, or just going out there and keep banging your head against the same d wall over and over, because it just drags you down a bit further each time you fail….

    You need to cure the problems you have that are keeping you feeling this way at the root, so you can heal, and feel good with the other things you describe.. If that means medical care, med’s, and counciling, or other treatment, then that’s what you need to do so you won’t keep going through this over and over…..

    Get serious with it and get help to find the cause, then all of the other problems you described will disapear…

    Take care…

    • Yes I know I need help. I have seen several therapists over the last 17 years. Right now, I am seeing 2 at the same time and am trying to get back on meds, but I am in fear that this will never disappear….

  2. Not to try to sound pathetic, But I don’t have any close friends at all. I have a friend for over 15 yrs, and we live about 5 miles from each other, but rarely ever talk. I haven’t went out in several months. I don’t have clubs to join, groups, Because I cant afford it. I have people I work with..but none of them would go out with me somewhere If I asked them. I have a friend who comes to my house about 1x a month..they stay the day with me. But we never go out. Lately my kids are in softball, so now I get out more than ever. But no one talks to me. I try to initiate conversation, because i am very open, and social..They do talk to me, but most dismiss me. I am a single overweight mother of three kids, with a disabled mother. Way to much baggage for anyone to handle. Forget when and if they stick around long enough to realize I have an “illness” Most people on the internet I talk to for about 3 wks, every day, then eventually either I or they start to distance themselves from each other. I do it, subconsciously bc I don’t want anyone to get to close to me, for fear they can hurt me. They, because they can see that I have more issues than they want to deal with in a casual friendship.

    So sweetie..we can all have our pity parties. We can all cry and be completely depressed about our lives. I am not trying to sound bitchy..you should know that with us “borderlines” we have a way of doing that whether we want to or not..I don’t. But I do want to tell you that you are not alone. You have thousands of people that feel the same way you do..and that does not make you feel any better, but we all have our crosses to bear.

    I go thru a deep depression about 5 times a yr. Sometimes as long as a month or more. Most of the time its 3 or 4 days. I try to push it out. I try to ignore it. I try to tell myself that it will get better. That sometimes help..other times it just makes me bitter that I have to suffer at all. That I have to have the downs. I just wish were nothing but ups. But if we didn’t have the bad times, we wouldn’t be able to enjoy the good times.

    You can talk to me when ever you want..You can call me.. I will send u a private message with my phone number.

    I too, believe that everything will be changed by moving..I wish it would. I have moved about 19 times in my life. So I can safely say…that most of the time when you move, you take your problems with you. Most of the time, you have the same amount of friends. Sometimes you have less. And sometimes it is worse than where you were before making you want to go back where you were.

    I hope everything gets better..and soon

    • I appreciate you’re feedback, I know I am not alone in this feeling. I thank you for your number and I truly hope evertyhing gets better for all of us….

  3. If what you really want to do is move, you should move! Sometimes change of scenery really does help, and it generally is easier to make friends when you’re new to a place. Think about what is making you unhappy there (traffic? pace of life? spacing of buildings? environmental things) and try to move someplace that doesn’t have those things. Think about what made you happy wherever you were on vacation and try to move someplace that has those things.

    • Yes, there are too mnay triggers here, pace of life, isolation, buildings, etc… I am stuck between a rock and a hard place… I have so much debt it seems impossible but I know deep in my heart I cannot keep living this way. My DBT therpaist says, I would take my problems with me, that is another fear. I am not trying to make excuses, but I feel bound here and I am tired of this lifestyle.

  4. Dear Fia,
    Yes, you are not alone. Yet we are ALL so TOTALLY ALONE! The depression and hopelessness you feel are so totally “normal” for us BPD’s. No matter where we live or what we do, it’s always looming there. We are all social, creative, selfless and would give the shirt off our backs. We wonder “what WE have to do” to find a TRUE friend or even that illusive (dare I say) MATE! I have been alienated from people all over in my jobs, love life, school, even local Harley riders I run into. The fact is this…. PEOPLE SUCK! No one has the time or desire to give of themselves, except US. Because WE need them to like us and we are so very lonely. I am 54 and I’ve lived in 46 different places. There are always the same issues no matter if your in Hawaii or Texas! People will only add you to their life, if you have something they want or NEED. I’ve tried both routes, telling people I have an Illness, and Not telling them. I have now decided, NOT TO TELL ANYONE! They just use it as an excuse not to like me when we don’t see eye to eye, even on stupid things. Once people know… they seem to “wait for something to happen”. It always does. Even though I have issues getting out of the house, my best FRIEND is my Harley! I have recently decided to be OK by my self. I hate it, but then again there is no one to abandon me.

    I had Debt… claimed bankruptcy. I had serious issues with being ALONE…. I sold everything and went on a ROAD TRIP ALONE! I traveled for 10 months. Now, I am OK with being alone. I went through 15 states and found out there are ASSHOLES everywhere! Mean people suck. Everybody wants something, and we just need a true friend.

    I have been down this week too. People were mean to me on my birthday 2 MORE people abandoned me. But I got 2 family members back. That’s the way BPD life works. I hate it. Keep your mind busy, go to a park and read a book or magazine. Have a picnic by your self. Catch every ray of sunshine you can. I’m gonna post some more “biker humor” on my NOTES page in a few min. If you haven’t read them you should. They are FUNNY! Stay off the computer, it’s depressing! Watch a funny movie on HULU.com DISTRACT, SELF SOOTH, Bake cookies and take them to someone, ride a bike, take a walk, go to a Goodwill with $5.00 and get the best thing you can by with 5 bucks! I live in Oregon. It rains A LOT here. But today is sunny, so I’m gonna force my self to get outside. Most days I don’t even have a reason to shower or brush my teeth. It’s ALL AN EFFORT. I DO UNDERSTAND and YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You have friends….. this one is named KC. peace out

  5. Dear Fia,
    Yes, you are not alone. Yet we are ALL so TOTALLY ALONE! The depression and hopelessness you feel are so totally “normal” for us BPD’s. No matter where we live or what we do, it’s always looming there. We are all social, creative, selfless and would give the shirt off our backs. We wonder “what WE have to do” to find a TRUE friend or even that illusive (dare I say) MATE! I have been alienated from people all over in my jobs, love life, school, even local Harley riders I run into. The fact is this…. PEOPLE SUCK! No one has the time or desire to give of themselves, except US. Because WE need them to like us and we are so very lonely. I am 54 and I’ve lived in 46 different places. There are always the same issues no matter if your in Hawaii or Texas! People will only add you to their life, if you have something they want or NEED. I’ve tried both routes, telling people I have an Illness, and Not telling them. I have now decided, NOT TO TELL ANYONE! They just use it as an excuse not to like me when we don’t see eye to eye, even on stupid things. Once people know… they seem to “wait for something to happen”. It always does. Even though I have issues getting out of the house, my best FRIEND is my Harley! I have recently decided to be OK by my self. I hate it, but then again there is no one to abandon me.

    I had Debt… claimed bankruptcy. I had serious issues with being ALONE…. I sold everything and went on a ROAD TRIP ALONE! I traveled for 10 months. Now, I am OK with being alone. I went through 15 states and found out there are ASSHOLES everywhere! Mean people suck. Everybody wants something, and we just need a true friend.

    I have been down this week too. People were mean to me on my birthday 2 MORE people abandoned me. But I got 2 family members back. That’s the way BPD life works. I hate it. Keep your mind busy, go to a park and read a book or magazine. Have a picnic by your self. Catch every ray of sunshine you can. I’m gonna post some more “biker humor” on my NOTES page in a few min. If you haven’t read them you should. They are FUNNY! Stay off the computer, it’s depressing! Watch a funny movie on HULU.com DISTRACT, SELF SOOTH, Bake cookies and take them to someone, ride a bike, take a walk, go to a Goodwill with $5.00 and geONE. You have friends….. this one is named KC. peace out the best thing you can by with 5 bucks! Where do you live? I live in Oregon. It rains A LOT here. But today is sunny, so I’m gonna force my self to get outside. Most days I don’t even have a reason to shower or brush my teeth. It’s ALL AN EFFORT. I DO UNDERSTAND and YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You have a friend and this one is named KC

  6. You must be very young, or not thinking outside yourself…find someone you can help until you get things back the way you want them…visit a nursing home…there are old people that have no families that would love to see you….help a sick person…volunteer at a homeless shelter….look at the beautufil things around you…you will not feel this way forever…and if you do..at least you will have made a difference..get up do it!

  7. I read your post tonight, and some of the cheery respones. I’m glad that U have a friend over. It helps.. I’m glad that U like the pictures. i’m sorry that U were feeling lousy and lonely tonight. Friday nights are bad, especially if U have no big plans for the weekend.. I’m OK. Nothing happening. . Tonight I wish I were in a bar in Montana, nursing a beer and bullshitting with some of the locals., looking at some guy’s new truck that he can’t afford and will probably lose in a few months. For me , it is so relaxing. Nobody is bragging, just bullshitting. Janet knows some women here, so they are usually hanging around, doing the same thing.. Around here all my friends are with their accountants, scared shit about Obama’s new health plan that will put them out of business.. People are talking about leaving for Florida. I hate Florida. On one end are the showoff Jews, on the other end are the Alcholic Wasps.. In the middle are the beautiful birds, which new construction has chased away. I don’t drink, I don’t play golf and I am not into overeating and stealing rolls and the sweet & low packs, My brother’s wife “#4 is dying of cancer, but the Fla. docs won’t let her die until he runs out of money.. I talk to him on the phone a lot, but he is a stoner and looking at him breaks my heart.
    I really do want to write with you. I have a couple of ideas, some OK, some tedious. We have to come up with something that we both enjoy, or we will get bogged down in the middle. Do U have any thoughts? We can talk about it and see what sounds good. See Ya I hope that U are feeling a little better.. Hope to talk with you over the weekend–Bill

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