I am being told weekly by my DBT therapist that I am not “effective”.  While, I cannot argue with this, all I can really do is hope to have the stregnth, determination, ambition one day to BE “effective.”  You see, I have dreams, so many dreams that I lose myself in dreaming about them, but have no idea how to reach them.  There are 4 rough manuscipts sitting in my computer, waiting to be edited, formatted, sent away to the publishing world, they are all childrens books, yet, they have been sitting in this computer for about 5 years.  There is so much in me to say, to spread to the world and I am voiceless.  I dream of seeing my name on the cover of a childrens book, or hearing “You’re story changed my life”, or even just knowing that someone out there accepted it, read it to their child at bedtime and perhaps made that childs sleep a little easier…  I have always been a dreamer, lost in my own world, and I want to be a particiapnt of this world.  Some of my reasons are for validation, accepatance, especially for the two most important people in my life my mother and father, who in their lives have worked at jobs they hated to put a roof over my head, feed me, give me the best education… but somewhere it all went wrong.  My dream is not only to publish, but I have always loved dance and dream of teaching people to dance as I have done, when I escape from the monsters in my own head that judge me and repress me.  However, there is always an excuse.  I can’t afford this.  I have no motivation.. I’m just not good enough…..   My third dream is to live by the ocean, somehwere in peace and harmony with nature.  I have always loved nature and cannot explain the serenity I feel when it is all around me, yet when I look out the window all I see are buildings, and highways and manmade and skyscapers, that have taken away what I love.  I am pretty adamant about my dreams, but something blocks me always in fulfilling them.  A friend said to me today, “So, you want to be one of those published authors, who’ve died first, and after their work is recognized.”  Which brings to mind Vincent Van Gogh, who by the way was speculated to have BPD, but at the time of his life noone appreciated the passion he threw onto the canvas.  I heard a story that after he shot himself , his last words were… “I am afraid that this pain will last forever..”  But, at least during his life he was able to paint, able to try, with all the confusion and turmoil in his life he created beauty, something that will last forever… I’m afraid I am not Vincent Van Gogh, I do not persist as he did in sharing his work, my Sunflowers are withering in this computer and I don’t know how to bring them to life.  I feel my time is running out… and I too am afraid that this “Pain will last forever.”…  So, instead of working towards my dreams I dwell on that pain and keep going down that same path that I spoke of in “Crossroads.”  Fear , fear fear…… is paralyzing isn’t it?  But, whtis it that I am so afriad of?  What is it that stops me.  It is  ironic, that in living my father’s dream of having a good education, and a stable job, I worked at it with such drive, I don’t even know that person anymore….


7 Responses

  1. I understand how your feeling with the lingering talents, forever trapped in digital format.

    One thing I have done is, just doing it… No matter how I feel. Headache, sad, worthless, I just do it… In the end, I feel accomplished, and want to do more.

    I believe you can do this, and will when you want.
    🙂 best wishes, and if your wondering what I do. my website contains my media, music, comedic, and video works.


  2. You are focusing on the big picture. U need to focus on the little steps that get you there.make a list of what it takes. If you do one small thing everyday toward your goal, whether u feel like it or not,or whether you fear it or not, JUST DO IT, you will get there.it REALLY is that simple. Don’t think about this person or that one, who gives a shit. I can promise you, they don’t think about you as much as you do them. Stop obsessing on that, and just do it.you can come up with a million excuses, there are none. I say that respectfully.

  3. Effective? What the hell does that mean? U don’t fit into his little treatment plan? Marie, I think that U met Godot on Saturday night. He was another hurting soul, tormented by his crushing responsibilities as a Priest, having to wipe everybody’s butt. 24/’7, -Be up all nightt with some fighting couples’ and have to be alert for 7AM mass.. Your prayer together is the one I have been saying all my adult life from St. Matthew. Waiting for Godot, for me, was achild’s prayer of “special Intention”, Sitting on my ass, waiting for Godt to do it for me .I aways found that play annoying Two depressed idiots smelling each others feet One has to get up and look for him in room in the company of another weary traveler,. or die trying. Why should he come to us? Get up and limp along with everyone, try to find him.. Godot comes in many forms. He says, come , pray with me. Lets get off our ass and reach out to Christ. We are groaning along the path, reaching out to try to find God ! Also I can’t stand the song” if I were a rich man” either There is no fat lazy man’s Godot.- and if he came- what would he do for these pieces of useless humanity? U R a teacher. How dows it feel on open school night when sme incomptent moronic mother and father smelling from booze and armpit, dirty teeth and greasy hair tell U that their little lazy shit does not like U because u are too strict, and are the reason that he is failing. That’s how that priest feels I can’t even imagine how hard it is to be a priest. I have every bullshit reason for this kid’s failure, but U cannot say it.. U bust your butt trying to help this spitefulbrat, and his parent have the nerve to complain.. Being much older than you, I would love to write that book but do u thik that it would do any good? U are Godot, I am Godot. St Matthew’s words are so easy to read, and so hard to do.. I have some ideas to work on. I’ll talk to U next week, I have to have some eye surgery this week
    When U go into work tomorrow- put a sign on ” I am Godot- U don’t have to do squat.” I’ll just tell your parents what they need to hear- all bullshit and they will be happy and I can walk home laughing for once” bill

  4. READ the War of Art by Stephen Pressfield. He’ll knock it into seamless small and inspired steps. YOU CAN DO IT! It’s an illusion that keeps you blocked. The dreams are there, and remember pedestal thinking keeps you blocked Do the work. Then you’re on to the next step. Looking too big is counter productive. Take one small step – one you like – or one you don’t finish it and move onto something you like.
    DO IT!
    P.S. I do the same exact thing!

  5. Wow, I can really identify with this post. I have many, many dreams that have yet to be fulfilled… or even started on. I have such a difficult time dedicating myself enough to the point where I actually take steps towards those big dreams. Maybe I am too hard on myself. Maybe I’m trying to take steps that are too big. Maybe I need to budget my time better. Maybe I just need to get up off my ass and do whatever it takes. Dealing with depression has made it hard to do much. I’m praying I get out of this rut sooner or later. I’m right there with you Fia… But somehow I know, deep down, that one day we will both get to where we long to be… In that I have faith.

  6. Never Give UP..So much of life is attitude, trust and hope. I am a Licensed Clinical Psychologist.Most of my 52 years of practice has been dealing with children and adolescents. I have worked with every type of psychopathlgy extant, but I was always drawn back to children and adolescents prsenting emotional, neurological and psyciatric illness. My personal mantra became “do one thing and do it well” I agree that when one tries to do everything , all at once, nothing will ever get done well.. I’ll tell you a story of my “Teen age Mafia Princess.” I get a call from a gruff voice that sounds familiar from teen-age years. ” My father and I want to see you soon” The son was about 35, the father was 60. His name was an item in the New York Newspapers. The son was a guy I used to be friendly in Brooklyn. His father was not that well known when we were kids. When we saw each other we laughed and hugged and wanted to know what we were doing in Jersey and how we both hated school as kids. Poppa was not feeling friendly. He related that his granddaughter was “driving me crazy to get her nose fixed”.but he was afraid because she was having other “crazy” houghts. We agreed that I would examine her. Grandpa was right- there was a borderline Schizophrenia underneath, and the nose problem was keeping her partially intact. Grandpa, said ” know what? we both come from Brooklyn so I know that U will understand this-” Aren’t There any good Italian Psychiatrists in Jersey “. I said no- but in New York, I knew Silvano Arieti, MD, who I trusred, sent a lot of “God Italian families” for treatment. The son, my buddy had not said a word. Granddaughter was a lovely teen-ager, but was getting sick. I had called Sylvano after I finished testing the girl and sent him the material. He agreed, but said that the kid was going get her way anyhow. One of his associates was a good ENT man.- Italian.! I told him when the three of them had their next appointment. He said that he would be around- All went as planned. I called and told Dr. Arieti that Grandpa was here and wanted to know if he could talk to him. Grandpa was in heaven. He switched imediately into Italian, Dr. Arieti told him that he talked to me and that he and I felt the same way, but that he would admit her, scrub in on the procedure and stay with her afterwards.. All anti- psychotic medication was prepared and given IV during the treatment and the full psychotic break was avoided. He worked with her, and the family and it was a success story, a little bumpy , but a success story none the less. She did become mildly Schizophrenic, but Sylvano, Grandpa. Momma and Grandma all got her through. Any decent Psychiatrist cpild have done the same thing, but it was faith, belief in God, and the need to trust that will get somebody through. I loved this man. He wrote a book called” Love Can Be Found” People who specialize, especialy in Psychiatry or Psychology, and who are really skilled is because they have walked the path!. NEVER GIVE UP

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