From the Mouths of Babes….


As I stuggle with my illness, I also am a teacher.  I used to be a wonderful teacher, still to this day with everything that goes on in my head I get praised by paprents who tell me what a difference I am making in their child’s life.  However, I have to be very honest, I dread going to work every day, but today it was they who made a difference in my life for a moment.  After lunchtime, a little girl handed me a drawing with some notes.   I have received many of these in the last 15 years, but never like this.  In the middle was a heart.  All around were little notes….”  When life gives you problems, have a Hershey Kiss (they know how much I love sweets and always have Hershey Kisses in my closet)..”  “You don’t have to  try and be the best you already are..”  “When you feel alone, have a kiss.”     “Best of all the angels..”   The  little girl who gave me the letter is a second grader, she has struggleed academically from September, but in this letter she has shown me how wise she really is.  When I read it I almost burst into tears.  As much as I have tried to hide it, they know, they know as young as they are they sense my sadness, my loneliness, my quest for the perfect life… And so I wonder now, am I hurting them?  Is my negativity impacting their lives.  If she was so worried to put it into words and express how she wanted to help, what am I doing to them?  I try.  And even in all my turmoil, and not to brag or boast about myself, these children have learned , especially creative writing, which is what I love to teach.  This year they have published memoirs, books of petry, biographies, etc… and I am astounded by the  uninhibited way they write, the imagination that soars on paper and the way they absorb things like metaphors, similes, etc… things I never learned until college.  However, that being said my despair has worried a child, and is it fair for me to continue, in order to keep my head above water financially.  I have debated this for a long time, hurting me is one thing, but hurting others with my pain especailly an innocent seems immoral and Idont know if I can do it.  I don’t lash out  at them, but I doubt if they’ve ever seen me smile… and I’m sure that is doing damage.  From 8-3 I am their parent,  and the greatest tragedy or burden a child can bear is the unlived life of a parent isn’t it???

Advertisements

6 Responses

  1. First of all, I think it is a wonderful thing you are doing for these children. You are fostering their creativity, and thereby, their self-esteem. This is a priceless gift you are giving them. Honestly, I think this outweighs whatever they may sense you going through. You know, these kids are going to have people throughout their life that are struggling. It is likely they will struggle themselves at some point. I think it’s ok for them to see this very real part of life. You’re not happy all of the time. They won’t be either. Yet you come to school every day and spend time with them, teach them, care for them – you’re showing them that yes, even though you’re hurting, you care about them enough to show up every day. I don’t think you’re hurting them by teaching them something very important about life: hanging in there even when things get bad. And like you said, you aren’t lashing out or anything. From what your little student wrote, I can tell you’re an important person in her life, and this was an opportunity for her to learn how to show compassion and support to others – one of the most important things children need to learn.

    In my opinion, I think that perhaps you should start looking more carefully at the good you do for these children, instead of beating yourself up for your struggling and imperfections. Because you ARE doing so much for them, whether you can see it now or not. You ARE a positive influence, though you may not feel so now.

  2. Teaching is the most noble profession. In the early grades, I had it in mind to myself become a teacher and do it right: Make it fun. Because not all my teachers were wonderful. But I did have a few that were a real positive influence, for their kindness as well as the things they taught. And it didn’t end in school: One of the most notable was my boss and mentor in my first major job. He took me under his wing, and taught me the Toolmaking trade. Without him, I don’t know where I’d be today.

    I thoroughly agree with Edde’s response. Well said!

    You may not realize it, dear Teacher, but you DO smile, as evidenced in your pictures on Facebook. And that’s the kind person the children see.

  3. Edde- I agree with you. If only I had a teacher like Marie, She would see through the fact that I was more than a fat blind, stupid thing because I still couldn’t speak English very well. Nobody spoke Yiddish, The Italian kids on the block could speak English My father kept talking to me in Yiddish even after I came home. He did not have the patience to teach me English. My mother was out selling Jehovah, and my grandmother would babysit. I couldn’t see the blackboard since nobody figured out that I needed glasses. I hated school the teachers ignored me and the kids laughed at me when I tried to speak in English. Where were U then? Where was anybody then. This little had a gift from God- YOU. .No matter how crappy u feel, U get there, and U saved a little gir’s life. I just went on hating school. Just think of the fat little immigrants that nobody wants- then think of me. I had no Fia marie. I was just a fatlittle sack of crap. Love what U can do I never dreamed that I could get a break and I almost never did. Bill

  4. i THINK i HAVE FELT LIKE YOU MORE THAN A MILLION TIMES MY DEAR FRIEND, IT’S A TOUGH ROAD. i AM CURED THANKS TO A COURSE IN MIRACLES, PLEASE LOOK INTO IT, I TRIED EVERYTHING EXCEPT GOD BECAUSE I COULDN’T BELIEVE A GOD WOULD LET ME FEEL SO SICK MENATLLY. THERE IS HELP! PLUS THE DISEASE GETS EASIER AS YOU GET OLDER, IT HAS FOR ME, MY LIFE HAS TURNED AROUND AND I WAS SUICIDAL. I AM BLESSED, AND IF I COULD DO IT, ANYONE CAN, GET SPIRITUAL MY FRIEND. YOU ARE LOVED, WE ARE LINKED, I LOVE YOU!

  5. I BELIEVE IN YOU HONEY

  6. Now that my pity party is over, I still hate school. I could not do math( made me feel worse. But I did slim gown, got glasses. I couls read everything not what they assigned, but the Old and New Testament facinated me. Te old testament was disgusting was a bunch of people screwing over each other, but when I got to the nw testament, life opened up. I read everything I could find ( not what the schol assigned) . That was a waste f time. I did it because I had to. It was easy and stupid. I learned abot the poor peasant man, wo cred the sick, allowed peoplw who were blinded to life, dead in emotion, sick in dispair, and vowed to do that kind of work for my life’s work. I did it- God gave me a chance to become a Psychologist who spent the ast 50 hears workig wih fat, geekie lost littlekids who felt as bad as did. Watching them smile and get better gave me a god reason for living. Kep going Marie. Whenever possible, I know hat U put yourself on the back burner, because we talked about it and help the little ones who are walking with pebbles in their shoes. That’s our mission- Yours and mine- God bless you pal. Bill

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: