For the first time in my life I feel it, it is quickly turning to hurt , but I am angry right now at this very moment.   I am angry at all those who have treated me so badly, I am angry at all those who have hurt me, I am angry at all those who have abandoned me, because I’m me, I am angry at my sister who left thousands of miles away in denial that naything was wrong with my mother, leaving me to  bear the burden, at my brother who tells me “I can’t help you,” or yells at me for being a detriment to my household, for being in despair,angry at him with his 10,000 dollar rolex watch on his wrist, watching his sister drowning in bills, unable to have a life because of debt, angry at all the fucking men that have used my body as a toy, taking a piece of my soul each and every time they fucked me, angry at my mother who guilts me into staying, angry at my mother who REFUSES to acknowledge her pain, refuses to understand I am ill, and yes I am angry that I did not have the childhood I deserved, angry at my neighbors who look at me like some sort of alien, angry at everyone for moving on and leaving me behind, angry at those idiot doctors who have turned a persons suffering into a thriving buisness, in 17 years none of you knew what you were doing, none of you helped me, all you did was numb me with drugs, then get angry at getting addicted to them, angry at all these so-called fucking friends who perhaps at my funeral will show a little remorse about not having done a single thing, too busy too talk, too busy to listen, too busy to help with a stupid computer problem, angry at all these fucking voices , one telling me to go this way, one telling me,” NO NO, go that way”, “You’re making a mistake, angry at those vicous children in school who tormented me as a child, angry at everybody telling me to “Get my act together.”  Gee, I wish I would’ve thought of that  myself, 20 fucking years ago, instead of going religiously to Doctors to try to save my life, or coming close to death because you are invalidating me.  Get my act together?   Has anyone ever told a cancer patient to get their act together?  Gee, you know if you really wanted to you could get rid of that cancer, have they heard that?  Quickly my anger turns into hurt… as quickly as it comes, the tears come, because the person I am most angry at is myself for allowing all this too happen.


6 Responses

  1. Oh My God, your story is my story. I have been on a lot of blogs but your story here just really made a tremendous impact on my conciousness. My mother is ill with all kinds of mental illness, my brother had me take care of my father and her while he is in NY and I am sick with bpd, he is living his life and I was in debt so much, I could barely keep my head above water. I am on disability which pays next to nothing. I couldn’t focus on a career because I was too sick with this, spent years seeing so many fucking doctors, I can’t begin
    to tell you. I went to Cornell hospital for bpd as an in patient, got caught with xanax because at that time they gave NO medication, and they threw me out. I drank myself into a stupor to avoid the horrific pain of this mental illness, and blamed everyone and myself endlessly like a loop without a stop. I wanted to die so many times, I’m amazed I didn’t. I certainly drank enough wine which I hate by the way, in order to self medicate and escape. YOU ARE NOT ALONE HERE< YOUR STORY IS MY STORY, and I believe I may b e able to offer some very very wise advice. My name is Wendy. One night, after I could bare the torment no more, I went on the internet to find someone, anyone who could help. I looked up doctors on the web, and found ONE who was in Florida that specialized in BPD. I took a fucking chance and said, what the hell, I can't take anymore of this, maybe he knows what he is doing, he says he has treated hundreds if not thousands successfully. The rest I can only say is surreal. He helped me. Got me on the right meds, gave me a list of books to read, had me get into a spiritual path, I studied Marianne Williamson, and also The Course in Miracles, and miracles did happen. Go to the website Biological and read it……read "The Four Agreements"…my thereapist said everyone with bpd should have it by their bedside. My email is… can contact me for more of a nightmare to peace on earth story….hang in there for now. I am 47, and finally, after all these doctors and tears, am well…..

  2. you have every single right to feel this way by the way

  3. Anger, an unavoidable yet powerful drug in the interest of protecting ourselves from future hurt. Right there with ya…

  4. Dear Fiamarie,

    This revelation has left me floored. No one person should have to endure everything you have.

    You have every right to be angry. The amazing thing is that you have survived, and have not given up in despair.

    There ARE still good people, but sometimes it seems they are vastly outnumbered by the kinds who have hurt you.

    So much to say…but I really can’t put my feelings into words…

  5. You’ve done a wonderful job of expressing your anger hear — I can feel it in your words. I, like so many of us, truly struggle with my anger; to even acknowledge it oftentimes scares me. I’m afraid of it and what it could do. I fear its power. Good for you for getting it out there. Thanks and keep writing! 🙂 Take care.

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