Have I Surrendered?

Something has changed.  Through my life, regardless of what I felt, I was always very active… danced, ran, went to the gym, I was always trying to perfect my outside.  Yes, I also went to therapy, tried to be happy, and I had my moments.  I actually feel guilty right now as I write this.  To have all of you perhaps lose hope in what I am going to say.  Regardless of my emotional state, there was always a little flicker of light inside, hoping things would change, hoping my dreams would come true.  I don’t feel  it anymore, I think it has been extinguished.  I don’t feel lke trying anymore.  The sun has always made me feel better, tomorrow will be 88 degrees, I don’t care, I am happy here under my covers.  I know that last month I was happy, truly happy, to have that taken away again, robbed doesn’t seem to be worth the risk.  I don’t have much to say, as I am afraid of how it will affect you, but I think I’ve lost my spirit, my will, my motivation, my light.  There is no more running, no more dancing, no more dreams, perhaps dreams are just that, an illusion to keep us going. Perhaps, I will feel differently, but for now and it is a very long, “for now,”  I surrender.  You win….


7 Responses

  1. surrenurring will be the first step towards a new beginning, anew way, a new path for you, it is a beginning

  2. Yes- again Wendy. I agree with you completely. Evenif U could find that you had arrived at this rainbow, there would only be another rainbow, and it would never end.

    Think about this, U have 2 degrees, why not start working on a Ph.D. Print out all your blogs and put them aside. I think of the book ” An Unquiet Mind” about a young physician who goes through the totment that you describe, and is able to come out the other end. U need to be with people who write and are educated..I would love to see you take some continuing Ed. classes at Brooklyn college, and if you like the experience, apply for matriculation, either there, or some other place. I tihink about the blog regarding you and the damaged priest, off on a trip together, seaching for the real Godot. It is a great piece of l work and spiritual awareness and how hard the climb is. It is so appropriate for a “now”p iece of work, and the Gospel of St. Matthew. U will be with other people. U will make new friends.. When I started my doctorate at Columbia, I met a guy who was a RC Priest, a Jesuit. We were in a buddy study group of 4 guys, trying to get an A in a brutally hard Psychopathology class.. We talked a lot, abuot how we were going to be Clinical Psychologists. He was going to be missioned to Iona College to be a therapist for Priests who had lost their way. We all got our A’s and went on our way. I haven’t thought of that in years. Your blog just reminded me of this friend.. Marie, I agree with wendy. Mayby U are finally at he real beginning point.. Do U remember the ending of the “Wizard of Oz” where Billie Burke ” The good witch” says”, Dorothy, if youcannot find happiness in your own bacb yard, U will neer find it” bill

  3. To surrender is to give up or give in. I like to find acceptance, it’s healthier for me. Don’t give up or give in. I’m in a bad place right now, too. If you make it another day, you are a success. If you make it another hour, you did well. It’s that black and white thinking that hurts us the most. You are such an inspiration to so many of us and sometimes it’s exhausting being “on” all the time. Give yourself a break, it’s okay to check out for a little while every now and then. You need to take care of number one- you. If you don’t , who will?

  4. WHO wins?

    Nobody wins if you surrender.

    Go with the warm weather and enjoy. That’s what I’m going to TRY to do today…get out of the house and make the best of it.

  5. Please don’t give up. I can definitely relate to your post. I know so many people who struggle everyday from mental illness. This is a serious issue that affects adolescents just like it does adults. I’ve found Silver Hill Hospital’s adolescent psychiatric treatment program to be a really good source of information about treatment options.

  6. YOU WIN. Trust in this process. Grieve. Let it be. It will change and it might not look the same – that is scary. I know where you are at. YUCK is all I have to say. I imagine big warm arms wrapping around you just like your comforter. Be there accept it. Sleep no more running. You are being there for yourself. All the scary things that have been avoided are right there in front of you now. IT’s okay. YOu will return – especially when you just let it be. I know in my search in those moments, the search for peace, through mindfulness – which i’m learning SO MUCH ABOUT right now is truly important. MIndfulness of breathing how it feels, how deep it is, how long sitting or lying down in the bath, with ears under the water. hearing heart beat. All of these things are very good. You win It just is a different kind of winning. When a seed is planted in the ground, its dark, tight gloomy, alone. once it starts to sprout, it stretches, yet still in the dark Even before it stretches, there is realization – I am here to grow thing seems stagnant, stifling infinitely unmoving – yet this is the illusion…the rain comes – sustenance. Embrace it…your leaves, and buds will reach the sun when you aren’t even looking. Then, TAKE stock WOW. You’re stronger. You’ve done things effectively, different. You can do this. I know, because I am doing it too. I believe.

  7. thank you for saying exactly what i feel right now. . .i am not the only one who is tired. tired of the constant voice bickering in my head, telling me to run more, walk another hour, study for that 95, and then study some more, eat this, don’t eat this, oh what the hell eat all of it and then purge it away, don’t make committments because you’ll more than likely back out the last minute anyways. . . .
    and then i stopped. i burnt out. i gave in. ultimately i gave up. i told myself i could go back anytime i wanted. . .it’s been 3 yrs and its still not the same. i’m not the kind of student i used to be, not the same athlete, i will do anything to avoid people, . .somewhere along the journey i lost myself. i don’t recognize my face anymore when i look in the mirror. i know it’s me, but i question is that really me because the person looking back at me is hideous.
    don’t tell someone they will return. can you promise that? can you back that up when they keep losing their fight, their dreams, their will? will you be there for them in their darkest night when suicide whispers (or screams) it’s taunts, when that person has given up on hope and given up on themselves, when it finally hits them that “i will never be enough. i will never feel adequate. i wll never be acceptable. i will never know that person i was meant to be because i got sick before i could and now that person is gone”?
    if recovery is a painful sick joke we play on ourselves as we go through a never-ending cycle of highs followed by failures, a glimmer of hope chased by an overwhelming despair,. . .then keep going through the motions. you’ll definitely be a survivor.
    but i don’t know. today i am tired. today i realized that i will never feel acceptable, i will never be enough. not matter what i accomplish. i am not the person i want to be. i am not the person i was meant to be. i’ve lost my integrity. i’m lost my fight. life holds no excitement. no promise. no one stands behind me pushing me to fight. there is almost a comfort in knowing i will soon have nothing left to lose and so i will have nothing else to fail at. i am tired. depression, self harm, bulimia — you’ve won.

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