Now What?

And so, someone got it right… somehow medications I have been given have lifted the pain inside, yet I continue to stay in bed.  Having had this pain my whole life I am unsure now who Fia is?  She was sick, always crying, emotions ruled her, but now the crying is different, for she doesn’t know how to rebuild her life, where to start, where to go, who to be.  Decisions have always been made for her, so she is incapable of making one afraid of taking a risk for hapiness, not even knowing what will make her happy.  I’ve been given the life preserver I’ve always wanted, yet I don’t know how to swim… I don’t know if this is temporary or if I have found the magic cure through medication, but I do know that it is even more confusing now, because there is hope to live without torture.  So, this blog wil be short because I’m not even sure whatto write without pain, but it’s ironic wth it I was fighting for a better life, without it I don’t know what that entails….

8 Responses

  1. Fia Marie,
    Just knowing you need more than the help you are getting is progress. You are making progress toward getting your disease under control first medically, then emotionally, you need both, and this is a step towards getting that help, because pain is always a sign from our body that something is wrong. You need to alleviate the pain some. Please remember about what i said about prozac, it heps in strong dosages, so please ask if you can have the maximun dosage allowed each day and work up to that…Haldol helps the terrible moods, taken as needed, i take 5 mgs. I also take Adderall, it helps me focus, Dr. Heller believes borderlines also have add….most impotant, hang in there, help is coming, never give up, it should only motivate you to get to the fucking bottom of this and get the best help u can so you can go on and live your lifwe. For now, first things first

  2. Also know that I am thinking of you, and feelings are not facts, you have a lot of freelings right now, but they are not necesarily the truth about your circumstances. FIRST THINGS FIRST< GET THE HELP YOU NEED

  3. Hey, Fia – I hear you. I spent months like that this winter. I’ve pulled out of it. I’m attributing accepting the pain and acknowledging it, after many years of ignoring it or being afraid of it as needing time for it to escape and begin to dissipate. Remember – your brain has mini seizures and that is what you have to stop. Stop the trigger.Remember you DESERVE to feel good. I think we all forget that. I know I do. I even talk to my daughter in ways that just make her feel bad. Not on purpose, yet because I’m trying to make a point. I know that’s how I talk to myself ALL THE TIME!!! SHeesh! It’s scary to have realizations. That hurts too. Geez. Pick one thing – just one. A bath. A walk. some of your favourite music – DancingQueen by abba. You deservie it.
    Today – you know what I did? I put on CandC music factory from when I was 19 and danced my ass off in my house, music cranked as if I was that age – I’m 37 and still ripped out some 80/90’s dance moves OH YEAH, baby. It made me realize how much i love dancing. I just did it for myself! It was great. My coach told me it isn’t so much about forcing our selves to change, yet accepting our behavioural things as gifts – like impulsiveness (which I love yet it usually gets me into trouble) as spontaneity. She said its about working with ourselves as we are, not stopping who we are. That was where I’ve misguided myself. I’ve been trying to be someone else and that makes me very serious.. Serious is really painful. I like being a complete fing DORK. Anywhoo – blessings! I hope it works. I’m glad that pain is dissipating. I know how you feel like there is no difference between the entire world’s pain and what you feel inside. That’s how I feel in those moments. I’m really grasping at the other side. The special part of me that relishes thrills, excitement…and then finding new ways to control it!!! Blessngs!! In my heart – I’ll go wherever you choose. Dancing, walking, bathing…Peace or excitement or nurturing. I love the movie Under the Tuscan Sun. Good messages and analogies!

  4. Hello,

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  5. Medications are to take the edge off of things, so that you can work on “real issues,” and often painful ones.

    *hugs* if you accept them. Take care of yourself.


  6. there are options for you. you can have support to help you in recovery. you don’t have to do this alone. please speak to your gp and get some support in place.

  7. Hi,
    I was just dropping by.. and I see you haven’t posted in a while. I hope this is because you are feeling much better… and that you have so many wonderful things in life that are keeping you busy. And if not, but still reading this…. hang in there 🙂 You are not alone,


  8. Fia… often when we have lived with something for so long it becomes a way to identify who we are and how we live and when we embark on the path to recovery and wellness and it is attained or in part and we are doing better we often loose are footing not knowing who we are or where to go from here.. know you are not alone in your uncertainites. I can tell you what has helped me and that is as time as evolved and recovery has taken path to a better life for me one I didn’t think would ever come to be is that I have begun to make baby steps toward discovering my other interests in life. For so long my illness has dictated my day to day life so now I am free to explore other things.. hang in there it does get better

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