Commitment


Solid facts seem very fleeting to people with BPD, or possibly just me. But I know that things like ‘happily ever after’ and ‘forever’ are nothing close to their meanings. I can fall in love with the love of my life, but the ‘true love’ would only last a week. Or maybe one day, and then never the next, but the day after that and so on… In my head, I could amplify my adoration for the said person, wrap my mental arms around them, claim them as mine, the way a child clings to their blanket; but if a day goes by when I haven’t talked to them, it’s as if they are completely out of my life. Or worse, they ceased to exist. I could either become upset and cry over the perceived abandonment, or I could show the complete opposite – apathy, complete detachment, avoidance.

The next day, if  they ‘came back into my life,’  I would instantly idolize them again. The gaps in between, make things like ‘consistancy’ and ‘commitment’ very confusing and frustrating.

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5 Responses

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Candy Cane, On The Borderline. On The Borderline said: New blog post: "Commitment" http://ow.ly/2GTez #bpd #borderline #mentalhealth […]

  2. Thank you so much for this post! Last March, my girlfriend left me without ever telling me why. I still don’t know what made her decide to call it quits. Thing were going great and over night, all was wrong. I didn’t understand what happened to her AND to me, it left me heartbroken and confused for months (still not over it, I’ll admit). After reading your post, so many things fell into place… AT LAST! Now I can finally start to understand how it might have been for her, how love/commitment maybe ‘works’ in her mind… Especially the ‘cease to exist’ part and the words ‘apathy, complete detachment, avoidance’… it’s spot-on! Again, thank you so much… this helps. I’ve had moments that I almost hated her for not helping me understand, but now I can honestly say: I love her, I always will, and I have a better understanding of how hard this must be for her… I wish her all the best!

    • I’m so glad I made things better for you. Thank you for sharing. It makes me happy to know my blog post made a difference in someones life!

      • Well, almost a month later I can still say that your words have been super helpful! It’s still rough from time to time, you know, trying to understand and trying to come to peace with the past. There are times I still go nearly crazy because those questions (‘WHY did that happen?’ ‘WHY does she treat me like the enemy?’ ‘HOW can she simply erase me from her life?’) keep haunting me. But everytime that happens… I remember your words. And I can honestly say it keeps me from becoming mad at her and feeling frustrated. It’s soothing, calming in a way. I know she can’t help it. Of course it still hurts, but I’m not angry at her for it. I can think of her, remember her, in a more peaceful way, so to speak. So really, I’m still thankful and I’m glad that it made you happy. Guess we helped eachother out then, right? You know, I’ve been reading so much about BPD and your post was the only thing that actually made sense to me, in a way that I could really relate to it, from a non-BPD’s p.o.v. that is. Hope you’re fine, cheers from The Netherlands!

  3. I’m so glad that its been helping you out, and helping out the one with BPD whom you’re dealing with. Your feedback really means a lot to me. I will try to post more soon. I also found this helpful video on BPD I think you’d find useful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iraGmA7-9FA

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