You’re The Bad Guy

I’ve had a lot of problems in relationships: friends, boyfriends, acquaintances, etc. As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, I experience narrow judgement on the opposing person, based on the last thing they did. My impression of them is always based on my last memory of them, rather than the whole ‘first impressions last forever’ saying. Someone offered me lunch, they were good. Someone else got into an argument with me, they were bad. There is no middle. It’s one or the other. Opposite ends of the pole.

Someone could be my best friend. We could have talked for hours on the phone, borrowed and lent out money with each other, gone clubbing together. But if we get into an argument, I immediately become scarred. I constantly remind myself of the last event. And everything else just looks like a very distant past that was forever lost.

I can’t be hurt by someone I was attached to and see them as a ‘good’ person. Even if I’m aware of my feelings being irrational and distorted from my BPD, I can’t change the way I feel about it. It kills me. I become scared. Literally, like a small animal, bewildered at a bunch of humans trapping it in a corner. I fear for myself, and I see them as the ‘bad guy.’ Maybe it is part of regression to get stuck in such a undeveloped thought process, but thats how it is with me.

This is a good YouTube animation on BPD:


3 Responses

  1. Everyone has difficulty in relationships. That is a fact of life. We are looking for a utopian world that doesn’t exist and that will always be frought with disappointment. It’s time to see reality. The grey that can heal. AND, sometimes that hurts because its about creating a new habit. A healthy habit saying good by to the old hurts and is scary, yet POSSIBLE. it’s possible to recover. I’m in a great coaching program and growing and changing every day. It’s hard work, though.
    Blessings to you. There are breakdowns and skills that can work. Google Tami Green – DBT coaching. GIVER

  2. I go through the same thing of course. Isn’t is totally fucked up to have this disease!! I hate it and battled with all this, but I am so much better now. I’m doing great, but when I think about all the things I could have achieved had I not had this disease it kills me.

  3. Yes, it sucks. You have to train your mind to remember the good things and stay positive…and it IS difficult. it goes against what your mind wants to do.

    Think about the positives. How your experiences, and things like this short article, may help someone else who is struggling. We ALL (w/BPD) have experienced this. We are NOT alone. We need to support each other, not to relish on hurts, but to help each other remember the good things…even when it ticks us off.

    Thank you for your article. You never know who your openness and honesty can touch.

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