You’re The Bad Guy

I’ve had a lot of problems in relationships: friends, boyfriends, acquaintances, etc. As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, I experience narrow judgement on the opposing person, based on the last thing they did. My impression of them is always based on my last memory of them, rather than the whole ‘first impressions last forever’ saying. Someone offered me lunch, they were good. Someone else got into an argument with me, they were bad. There is no middle. It’s one or the other. Opposite ends of the pole.

Someone could be my best friend. We could have talked for hours on the phone, borrowed and lent out money with each other, gone clubbing together. But if we get into an argument, I immediately become scarred. I constantly remind myself of the last event. And everything else just looks like a very distant past that was forever lost.

I can’t be hurt by someone I was attached to and see them as a ‘good’ person. Even if I’m aware of my feelings being irrational and distorted from my BPD, I can’t change the way I feel about it. It kills me. I become scared. Literally, like a small animal, bewildered at a bunch of humans trapping it in a corner. I fear for myself, and I see them as the ‘bad guy.’ Maybe it is part of regression to get stuck in such a undeveloped thought process, but thats how it is with me.

This is a good YouTube animation on BPD:


BPD Videos

I’m looking for videos made by people who are living with Borderline Personality Disorder, or even someone who has a loved one with BPD. I will be uploading these videos to On The Borderline’s youtube channel.

You can either make the video with a webcam or use images and words.

Please upload your video to and then email the uploaded video’s link to, and I will add your video to our channel!

Let me know if you have any questions! 🙂

Mental Health Hero: Hannah

My name is Hannah and I started Defeat Depression. I created Defeat Depression after my own experiences with depression as a teen and as a young adult. DD is all about raising awareness about teen and young adult depression, while helping those in need. We talk to everyone that sends us a message via Myspace or Facebook. DD’s slogan is, “We will overcome it,” and together I believe we can overcome the daily obstacles depression puts into our lives.

Defeat Depression on Facebook

Defeat Depression on Myspace

Defeat Depression on Twitter

Angry Rose

red roses

Image by paparutzi via Flickr

NOTE: This is something that I wrote on July 4th, 2007. Keep in mind that this was written during one of the most difficult parts of my life, and it may be triggering.

Angry Rose by Lauren

Terror is as terror does; an angry rose has many thorns. Don’t rub me the wrong way. Your skin will break and I’ll feel your blood; thorns cut flesh. Take me tonight, don’t make everything all right. Tie me up, these bonds can break. Rules can break, fools can break. Bonds broken by fools. My poison rushes through your veins, there’s no escape. Cut me once; I’ve lost all feeling. Rub me the wrong way, it has no meaning. Take me tonight, don’t make everything all right. Tie me up, leave me to die, I’ll use my own poison against me. The poison wasn’t you, it was me. Bonds can break but poison flows forever.


Solid facts seem very fleeting to people with BPD, or possibly just me. But I know that things like ‘happily ever after’ and ‘forever’ are nothing close to their meanings. I can fall in love with the love of my life, but the ‘true love’ would only last a week. Or maybe one day, and then never the next, but the day after that and so on… In my head, I could amplify my adoration for the said person, wrap my mental arms around them, claim them as mine, the way a child clings to their blanket; but if a day goes by when I haven’t talked to them, it’s as if they are completely out of my life. Or worse, they ceased to exist. I could either become upset and cry over the perceived abandonment, or I could show the complete opposite – apathy, complete detachment, avoidance.

The next day, if  they ‘came back into my life,’  I would instantly idolize them again. The gaps in between, make things like ‘consistancy’ and ‘commitment’ very confusing and frustrating.

BPD and Self Harm

I am sure most people know what self-harm is, but here are just a few lines of what it is, just incase.

Self-harm is a way of expressing very deep distress. Often, people don’t know why they self-harm. It’s a means of communicating what can’t be put into words or even into thoughts and has been described as an inner scream. Afterwards, some people may feel better able to cope with life again, for a while. It can be referred to as self harm (SH), self injury(SI), deliberable self harm (DSH).


So now my whole idea of this post was linking BPD and self harm, as one of the common and distressing symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is Self harm. (SH)

There are many methods of self harm, which I don’t want to go into too much detail, but commons methods involve, cutting, scratching, burning and over dosing (without suicidal intent ). When constantly overwhelmed by emotional pain or anxiety, the act of cutting may seem like a welcome distraction. Additionally, self-harm can result in the release of endorphins into the body, which act as natural pain killers. Oddly, then, causing oneself pain can be seen to help relieve it; in reality, of course, much more harm is done than good.

There are some ways of trying to reduce or stop self harming,  by:

Thinking things through – when you are aware that you are feeling the impulse to hurt yourself, take time to reflect on the reasons why, and to think about what will actually come about as a result.

– Putting self-harm off – instead of diving straight into an act that will cause you harm, make a concerted effort to spend five minutes debating the idea first. The next time you find yourself in the same situation, you could try to wait ten minutes, and so on. Over time, you might find that this period of self-reflection helps distract you from what would usually be an impulsive and immediate decision.

Doing something else instead – everyone has perfectly harmless activities that they enjoy doing, and so instead of harming yourself, perhaps try going for a walk or watching a film instead. You may find that this – much safer – activity gives you positive feelings that self-harm wouldn’t have provided.

These are just some of the techniques that might help to overcome.


People with BPD often act very impulsively – be it through alcohol or drug abuse, gambling and over-spending, or promiscuous behaviour – and self-harm is one of the most excruciating expressions of this need for instant gratification. To those untroubled by mental complexities such as BPD, the idea of self-harm might seem excruciating, bizarre or even pointless; however, to many who feel overwhelmed it can seem like a logical and effective way to momentarily relieve the pain that they feel inside. In reality, however, self-harm only adds to and deepens existing problems; unfortunately, the need to deal with the immediate physical threat posed by self-harming behaviour can distract from the complex problems behind it.

I wish that I could give more advice on self harm,  but I am not in a good place and haven’t been for a long time. I have self harmed since 2004, and I got diagnosed with BPD about a month ago. I don’t blame that I self harm because I have BPD, but for me the reasons why I self harm, it used to be to cope, but for a while it’s been to feel. Because I constantly feel empty, so I SH to feel, but the only feeling I get out of it is pain. But I also like my scars.

I am not promoting Self Harm in any way and I am not going to say,’ make sure you clean your wounds and sterile equipment,’ because I know if someone says that to me, I don’t like it, but just take care!!

I use this website,, you may or may not find it helpful but it is a support forum for people who suffer with Self Harm.

I hope you many find this helpful in some way


BPD Triggers: What Are Triggers and How Can You Manage Them?

I’d like to share an article with you which I have already posted on our Facebook page, Twitter, and Tumblr, but I thought it’d post it on our blog too, since everyone seemed to find it so helpful.

The article was written by Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD, who writes for the BPD section of Here’s the article:

Most people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) have BPD triggers, that is, particular events or situations that exacerbate or intensify their symptoms. BPD triggers can vary from person to person, but there are some types of triggers that are very common in BPD.

What Is a Trigger?

You may have heard the term “trigger” before but are not sure exactly what this means. Usually a “trigger” refers to some event that brings on a major exacerbation of BPD symptoms. This event can be external, as in something that happens outside of yourself, or internal, as in something that happens in your mind (i.e., a thought or memory). Immediately following a trigger, one or more of your BPD symptoms may intensify significantly. Triggers are events that make you feel as if your symptoms are going off the charts.

Relationship Triggers

The most common BPD triggers are relationship triggers. Many people with BPD experience intense fear and anger, impulsive behaviorself-harm, and even suicidality in the wake of relationship events that make them feel either rejected, criticized, or abandoned. This is a phenomenon called “abandonment sensitivity.”

For example, you may feel triggered when you leave a message for a friend and do not receive a call back. Perhaps after placing the call you wait a few hours, and then start having thoughts like, “She’s not calling back, she must be mad at me.” These thoughts may spiral from there (i.e., “She probably hates me,” or “I’ll never have a friend who sticks by my side.”) With these spiraling thoughts come spiraling symptoms (i.e., intense emotions, anger, urges to self-harm).

Cognitive Triggers

Sometimes people with BPD are triggered by internal events, for example thoughts, that can seemingly come out of the blue. This is particularly true for people who have BPD related to traumatic events (i.e., child abuse).

For example, a memory or image of a past experience (e.g., a traumatic event, or a loss), can trigger intense emotions and other BPD symptoms. The memory does not necessarily need to be a distressing one to trigger symptoms — some people are triggered by memories of good times from the past, which can sometimes be a reminder that things are not as good now.

How to Manage BPD Triggers

Triggers are highly individual, so the first step in managing triggers is to know the particular events, situations, thoughts, or memories that trigger you. To determine what your triggers are, try this exercise: “How to Identify Triggers.”

Once you’ve learned your most troubling triggers, you have a few options. First, you can figure out whether a particular trigger can be avoided. For example, if you know that watching a certain movie always triggers you, you could choose to not watch that movie. Many triggers, however, can’t be avoided so easily.

Finally, if you find that some of your triggers cannot be avoided, you can make a plan for coping (See also, “Coping With Triggers“.)