Labels


I came across this post written by fevers-n-mirrors, and I thought I’d share it with you:

Why are people so obsessed with putting labels on themselves??

Don’t we complain and get angry whenever someone, or society in general, attempts to label us as ‘this’ or ‘that’?
Then why do we do it to ourselves?!?!?!

I mean, I truly can understand how giving a name, a classification, to whatever ‘symptoms’ you’re suffering from, can help you understand what you’re going through better, and in turn, it can help you treat it.

BUT, can such extreme emotions and behaviors really be fully contained under a ‘label?’

As a human being, I know I don’t fit perfectly into any box… you can’t contain me, my life, my emotions, under a label. That’s freaking ridiculous. For every symptom, every emotion I experience, that can be explained by my diagnosis’, or a label someone slaps on me…there’s always something else that just doesn’t fit.

Why? Because I am not that label!!! I’m me… a living and breathing human being… the specifics and driving forces behind my struggles are unique to me… only I exist as me, and that is my label. I am ME!!!!!!

People end up clinging to their labels, to these diagnoses’ that are supposed to explain them, and too often it keeps them from getting better. They won’t seem to let it go. If you only identify yourself with your sickness, or if you identify too strongly with it, you let it become your identity, or too big a part of it. What are you without your identity? NOTHING. You’re nothing. So you keep clinging to it, because if you let it go, when you open your clenched fists, you’re left with nothing to show. NOTHING.

So, you cut… you’re not ‘a cutter’…
So, you have a mental illness… you’re not that mental illness…
So, you have an eating disorder… you are not the eating disorder…

These are labels that describe your struggle… and labels are vague. They are not all-encompassing.

You are not these things. You are not these things. You are not these things.

You are not confined to an existence with them. You are not living a life that will ineviatbly lead to the projected course of whatever you’re struggling with.

Stop looking at yourselves through the filter of these labels.
Start viewing yourselves as an individual who has power over these things.
They are not you, and they do not get to decide the course of your life.
They don’t get to decide on your happiness.
They don’t get to decide your fate.

THEY DON’T NAME YOU!

It’s your choice whether or not you dwell on your disorder.
It’s your choice to immerse yourself in it.
It’s your choice on whether you let it consume you completely.

It’s your choice.
You decide!

Me? I refuse to accept any of these labels.

Mental Health Hero: Hannah


My name is Hannah and I started Defeat Depression. I created Defeat Depression after my own experiences with depression as a teen and as a young adult. DD is all about raising awareness about teen and young adult depression, while helping those in need. We talk to everyone that sends us a message via Myspace or Facebook. DD’s slogan is, “We will overcome it,” and together I believe we can overcome the daily obstacles depression puts into our lives.

wewillovercomeit.com

Defeat Depression on Facebook

Defeat Depression on Myspace

Defeat Depression on Twitter

Angry Rose


red roses

Image by paparutzi via Flickr

NOTE: This is something that I wrote on July 4th, 2007. Keep in mind that this was written during one of the most difficult parts of my life, and it may be triggering.

Angry Rose by Lauren

Terror is as terror does; an angry rose has many thorns. Don’t rub me the wrong way. Your skin will break and I’ll feel your blood; thorns cut flesh. Take me tonight, don’t make everything all right. Tie me up, these bonds can break. Rules can break, fools can break. Bonds broken by fools. My poison rushes through your veins, there’s no escape. Cut me once; I’ve lost all feeling. Rub me the wrong way, it has no meaning. Take me tonight, don’t make everything all right. Tie me up, leave me to die, I’ll use my own poison against me. The poison wasn’t you, it was me. Bonds can break but poison flows forever.

Have I Surrendered?


Something has changed.  Through my life, regardless of what I felt, I was always very active… danced, ran, went to the gym, I was always trying to perfect my outside.  Yes, I also went to therapy, tried to be happy, and I had my moments.  I actually feel guilty right now as I write this.  To have all of you perhaps lose hope in what I am going to say.  Regardless of my emotional state, there was always a little flicker of light inside, hoping things would change, hoping my dreams would come true.  I don’t feel  it anymore, I think it has been extinguished.  I don’t feel lke trying anymore.  The sun has always made me feel better, tomorrow will be 88 degrees, I don’t care, I am happy here under my covers.  I know that last month I was happy, truly happy, to have that taken away again, robbed doesn’t seem to be worth the risk.  I don’t have much to say, as I am afraid of how it will affect you, but I think I’ve lost my spirit, my will, my motivation, my light.  There is no more running, no more dancing, no more dreams, perhaps dreams are just that, an illusion to keep us going. Perhaps, I will feel differently, but for now and it is a very long, “for now,”  I surrender.  You win….

I’m Not Just a Subject…


As you may know, I am involved in a research study.  The study involves two randomized groups, one receiveng just medication, in this case Prozac, and the other just DBT therapy no medication allowed.  If you have followed my blogs at all, you may have noticed the struggle I have been experiencing the last month.  I have been incapacitated in pain, emtoiona suffering to the point of vomitting.  Yet, was told I can do things to alleviate the depression I was sufering by my DBT therapist.  Needless to say, I was unable to go last week and somehow managed to get myself there today, though everything inside wanted to go home and sleep away the pain.  My therapist began talking and asked me what I had done differently.  “Well, I haven’t overdosed.”  “Somehow, I havemanaged to stay alive when my soul was bleeding.  I didn’t go to the hospital this time.  However, the session was spent with her trying to convince me that the depression I am in can be solved through skills.  I looked at her and asked her if she has ever wanted to die because of the intense pain she felt.  “What could you have done to alleviate the pain?”  I almost laughed. “There is more here in front of you than a randomized subject..” I stated I tried to explain to her that there MUST be something CHEMICALLY wrong besides the BPD and I was in desparate need of medication to help my brain function properly.  “Well”, she said if you take medication you will not recieve DBT.  So there I was faced with a choice.  Walk out the door and get to a hospital to save my life, or continue with learning skills to cope with this pain.  Everything in me said run.  Run and get the help you need.  Obvioulsy, I am suffering from a major depressive disorder and though I have been on tons of medication, I knew my brain needed another try.  I began to sob.  “This was my last hope..” I said to her.  “I cannot focus on your skills, when I am hovered over in pain, something is chemically wrong.”  Her reply was “Well if you wan to give up, that is your choice, but again you cannot be on medication.”  I felt betrayed, I felt like just a mere subject in their study.  I knew I had to leave and told her  so.  She left the room, came back and told me they may consider giving you medication as well as the DBT.  A RAY OF HOPE.  Endng with we will call you Monday to let you know, we went off to group therapy.  Nothing made sense, my body wanted to go into the corner of the room and sob.  I could not hear her.  All,  I could hear was the pain all I could hear was a voice telling me to “Hold on…” and I am waiting for their response to this “Subjects” request at relief and then maybe I can  learn what they are trying to teach me….

Slipping Away….


As I’ve been in bed for most of the last week, besides going to work, I am writing, perhaps too much, but I apologize, since I need to bleed somewhere….  What can I say?  What can I say to describe to you what I am feeling?  What can I say that you already don’t know?  Fia is slipping, Fia is drowned in grief, regret, failure, loss, guilt.  I called my DBT coach yesterday.  I was vomitting from sadness and anxiety.  What she told me was to use “opposite action.”  “What would you like to be doing right now?”  “What can you push yourself to do?”  All I could think was how I wanted to dance.  “I want to go to a dance class.”, I responded,  “Then go.” she demanded.  Dance?  I was paralyzed.  This woman must be out of her mind, I thought.  My guts are spilling on the floor, I cannot breathe, I feel nailed to a cross ripping me apart and she wants me to dance?  “You have to push yourself Fia”, she replied.  So, I did.  I pushed myself to the couch and dreamt of dancing instead.  Call me a quitter, tell me I’m giving up, a complainer, but even getting to that couch and actually dreaming of what I enjoy, what I used to do, was an accomplishment.  But, today there were no dreams, there was no life, the slightest movement woke up the pain laying dormant as long as I kept still.  What makes it all the worse is knowing, knowing that Life is moving forward without me.  If only it were possible to freze time, until I was able to pull myself up again, there wouldn’t be such a feeling of loss would there?  Vincent Van Gogh, after shooting himself , said something to the effect “I’m afraid this pain will last forever….”  As am I.  Am I ever gong to move, walk, run, dance, live again?  Who can take me down from this cross?  Who can stop the bleeding?  I am at a loss, I am slipping away….

Hope…..


I came across a children’s book today that talked of what HOPE is…. In reading it, I realized that even in the smallest of things we can find it , and here are my ideas  of HOPE…

Tears shed to release the pain,  Mommy’s song,  Daddy’s embrace, whispering, “It’ll all be OK.”, a friend’s phone call, asking “How are you?”, a Heart that can accept, understand, forgive move on…  Children laughing,  my Dog licking my tears as I weep,  knowing someone who can truly understand you and still love you with all your faults,  recieving flowers “just because..”, getting out of bed even in the most extreme pain, hearing “I Love You”, in the middle of the night, dreaming, being able to help others even when  you cant seem to help yourself, dancing, the Sun rising ever morning, knowing that I am stronger becasue I am surviving,  the smiling homeless man on the street, church bells ringing,  taking a risk, knowing that it will not stay the same, knowing that I can be the change I want in the world(Gandhi).. accepting myself, accepting my mistakes, accepting my faults and falling in love with ME, listening to those around you who are in need,, realizing I a not so different,  the Sun peering through the grey clouds after a thunderstorm, reminding myself that others are worse off and still pushig forward , the peaceful sound of raindrops against my windowsill on a Sunday morning, the excitiement in my Dog’s eyes when he sees me, knowing I am not alone, and finally the  flicker of light deep down that even in darkest of hours shines , allowing me to see even in that dark tunnel…