Body Image


I’ve been a little nervous to put this up, but I have to speak my peace after being inspired by a recent event where I was surrounded by girls bragging about their dangerous diets in order to become thin. These are my thoughts on the beauty revolution.

  • It’s okay to be who you are. You don’t HAVE to be anything to be beautiful. You don’t NEED to change. Changing won’t make you happy. Happiness starts from the inside out.
  • Change if you want, change is good, we are our own canvas. Just make sure it’s on YOUR terms, it’s for YOU, not because you think other people will like you more or other people will think you are beautiful, do it because YOU think it’d be a good change or more flattering. Just be safe and healthy and love yourself every step of the way.
  • You CAN be over-weight and be healthy.
  • We come in all shapes and sizes, there is no perfect.
  • Love every imperfection, if you can open your eyes to all that you are, have faith that others will too. Someone WILL love the parts of you that are imperfect.

Love yourself, be happy, you deserve it, join the revolution

Love, annieelainey

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Coping…


Partly to be numb, partly to remain a little girl, partly because people always complimented me on how skinny I was, partly to destroy myself, anorexia nervosa  was a big part of my life. I began exercising when I was 16 years old, spending countless hours at the gym.  There was one particular girl I looked up to.  She was thin, happy, beautiful.  I began wanting the thinness and happiness.  So, there I was every day, the room filled with sounds of pain, running, jumping,  to forget the image that stared back at me every day… I demanded perfection from my body, the perfection I couldn’t get in my mind.  I would spend almost the entire evening there, my eyes blank, my hands weak, muscles sore, every day became more and more intense.  After a while I had little time to even eat.  Work, gym, run, work, gym, run.  Where would I have the time.  I began losing more and more weight.  At 21 I weighed probably 100 pounds, which for me was very little, but in my mind it still wasn’t enough.  What I saw in the mirror and what people saw were two different people.  I was disgusting, obese, I literally saw a monster and part of me, a HUGE part of me, just wanted to DISAPPEAR.  What better way then to literally wither away.  At 27, a boyfriend broke up with me.  I had to stop the pain.  How?  I began running 14 miles every morning at 4:30 a.m.  While most people were in bed sleeping I was out in the cold, snow, rain, hail, heat ,running for almost 2 and a half hours.  I remember going to a therapy session on one of those days and this is the diary entry I wrote that day:

Dear Diary,

It’s amazing how a body can feel completly numb.  My legs are moving, my arms are moving, but it’s not me.  I feel I’m watching everything from overhead, this is another girl.  I caught a glimpse of myself in a train window as it zoomed through a dark tunnel.  My hair was different, what once was a cascading waterfall had turned into strands of hay, and the eyes hollow… I looked at my feet, sentenced to a lifetime of pounding on the pavement, to nowhere…I got out on my stop, there was a man dancing with a lifeless doll.  A subway performer, his partner was a doll with crimson lips, stilettos, legs as long as the sky, she wasn’t real but for a moment she had taken life in this man’s arms, he, this subway performer, had breathed life into this doll, together they became one, legs moving in unison, his soul, his essence sailing into her, bringing her to life.  She’s more alive than I am , I thought.

A short time after this I stopped running so much, my coping mechnism was failing, and I decided to use another coping mechanism.  Dance.  I have been dancing ever since.  I now am at a healthy weight and on those days that I feel like I’m watching someone else’s life I go live my own and dance 🙂